The holidays can stir up a lot of feelings. It's a generally heightened time, thanks to pop culture and endless holiday films, and there's a feeling of pressure for it to be spent and celebrated in a particular, picture-perfect way. But if you don’t come from a picture-perfect family—and if you often leave the holidays feeling more emotionally drained than when you arrived—why does the pressure to go home and be with family still feel so heavy?
"During the holidays, there is a lot of societal pressure to have a 'perfect' holiday," licensed mental health counselor Stephanie A. Sarkis wrote. "However, the reality is that the holidays are never perfect, and more people spend time alone during the holidays than you might think."
When I was a teenager in high school and a young adult visiting home from college, I was so excited to grow out of whatever age meant that I was obligated to appease my parents, dreaming of the day I could create my own holiday traditions that weren't riddled with conflict at home. At home, I was constantly comparing my situation to other people my age who might've had more family, more money, or more decorations. This feeling, plus the conflict and tension that was seemingly built into my family since the day I was born, made me dread the holidays each year.
This is something that I've been thinking a lot about lately. When we're kids, we're so excited to grow up—to have free will and the ability to make our own choices. But as we become adults, it can feel terrifying to do what we've dreamed of for so long, even if it's for our personal wellbeing. When we're young, we look at the future with wide eyes and unrealistic expectations for what can be accomplished, and the time it can take to figure it all out.
For now, I still go home for the holidays. Bhut I'm actively working on getting to a place where protecting my peace is my highest priority. I know this, though: it's okay to not go home for the holidays. And I admire those at a place where they've been able to make that decision.
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"The first time we didn’t go home was in 2020 when the world was shutdown and we realized how much more peaceful and calming it was," says Greer Jones, a 35-year-old podcast host and neuro-affirming parent coach. Jones is a neurodivergent mom raising a neurodivergent child who has, in the past few years, accepted that a "traditional" Christmas doesn't work for her family anymore. This process has involved honoring her child's needs, protecting her mental health, and the requisite backlash from her family.
"In 2021, we decided not to go back home as we found our son (and we) was calmer, and we actually enjoyed the day," she says. "We realized that Christmas was going to look and be different for us moving forward." At first, Jones was pressured by her family to find time to visit in the days and weeks surrounding Christmas, then guilt tripped and compared to other family members who did go home for Christmas. But now, after a few years, she believes that her family has finally accepted her choice; Jones, her husband and son are certainly comfortable with the decision.
Fran Martin, a 32-year-old senior communications manager at a luxury beauty brand, also made the decision to forgo spending holidays with his family—and hasn't looked back. "While I’d describe my current relationship with [my family] as good, living thousands of miles away has created distance, both literally and figuratively," Martin says. "A few years ago I was a staunch advocate of 'always making it work' with your family and forcing a positive relationship for the same cliché reasons many people feel compelled to." Now, he chooses to stay in New York City, where he resides for most of the year, celebrating the holidays among friends.
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For those considering doing their own thing for the holidays, travel consultant Justin Chapman, who often deals with the complicated dynamics of booking family travel, suggests reminding yourself that you can't keep everyone happy. At a certain point and as an adult, prioritizing your well-being should be your main priority, regardless of it that results in people viewing you as selfish. "You don’t need to apologize," Chapman says. "Be firm and stand by your choice, but be respectful. Some family members might be annoyed for a while, but remember that you’re putting your own needs first this time and you can’t keep everyone happy."
Martin also encourages honesty and timeliness to those breaking the news that they won't be spending holidays with family. "I'm a fully independent, single adult and may not feel the same pressure to commit as others with different family dynamics," he says. "But I’d encourage anyone to be firm about the boundaries they’re setting and remember why they’re setting them."
According to licensed professional counselor Victoria Tillotson, skipping spending holidays with family is a completely healthy boundary to set. "This can be a really healthy choice to think through or make, depending on your situation, needs, and safety," Tillotson says. "It’s important to note that your boundaries are for you, and not for others."
Though setting this particular boundary may feel painful at first, one positive side of is the opportunity to create new traditions and experiences for yourself that bring genuine joy. "For the past three years, I’ve spent my holiday traveling abroad to a lot of firsts: Paris in 2023, Tokyo in 2024, and now Bangkok in 2025," says a VP at a fast-paced startup. "Holidays were never a big occasion in my family—even in college I would spend the holidays locally and travel back in January when flights were cheaper. As it was never a big, celebrated tradition, I’ve learned to create my own tradition, passport in hand. I’ve found that it’s okay to prioritize your needs and well-being over family obligation."
Martin views New York City as the perfect setting for establishing new holiday traditions. "Seasonal depression can’t hit a moving target," he says. "I think it’s important to spend time with people you care about and to make plans during the holidays. Who could be sad at The Corner Store on Christmas Eve?"
Jones also creates her own traditions with her husband and son, like staying in their pajamas all day and have a "fancy" Christmas Eve dinner. She's kept some of her previous traditions, like reserving special china for this time of year and singing around the Christmas tree. "Building these rhythms meant that practically and emotionally, we don’t have to mask as much," she says. "We are in familiar surroundings and we have familiar foods—again, releasing the pressure to sit and eat, when that is difficult for my son." Now, Jones had the opportunity to take what works from her old traditions, add in new traditions, and leave the rest behind.
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I think, for some people, this decision to not go home for the holidays is terrifying because it's like you're forfeiting your safety net forever. You want to be one hundred precent secure in your decision, but you never will be—that's what makes it so hard and what makes it feel like such a risk. But the truth is, setting healthy boundaries is a power move and a huge sign of emotional maturity. “[Boundaries] help define who we are and help us maintain our mental and emotional health," psychotherapist Ilene Strauss Cohen wrote. They are not walls to keep others out; they are guidelines that help us express our needs and expectations clearly and assertively.
As always, with great risk comes great reward. "Avoiding going home has meant we have created a calm, peaceful Christmas that works for our family," Jones says. "I don’t think we realized how stressful it was until we didn’t go."
As we grow older and become self sufficient, we have the freedom to choose our own families, create our own traditions, and leave what doesn't serves us behind—and that includes not going home for the holidays. In the end, isn't that what being an adult is all about?
