To Live and Lie in LA: The Art of Flaking on Plans
How to gracefully bow out of plans without burning any bridges.
Leaving my friend’s apartment building, I step into an elevator and find myself in the midst of a heated debate. I have no choice but to eavesdrop. “Do I tell him I’m sick? That I have chills and I think I might have a fever?” Girl One says to her counterpart.
“That doesn’t make sense, he already knows it’s your birthday,” Girl Two responds.
“Oh! Maybe I tell him I just got home and my friends threw me a surprise party!”
“Is that too crazy though? Do people do that? Maybe it sounds too much like a lie?”
The elevator doors open and we move through the lobby toward the front door. Being the gentleman I am, I hold the door for my new best friends. They thank me and I nod to Girl One, “Happy Birthday.” She turns around and looks me dead in the eye. “What do you think I should do?” she asks. Ignoring any pretense that I wasn’t listening, I jump in. “Here’s what I would do…” Girl One pulls out her phone to take notes. “Getting sick on your birthday is too sad. Tell him your friends just picked you up and they haven’t told you where you’re going because it’s a surprise.” Girl Two nods–it’s only half a lie, she’s already going out with friends. Now we’re conspiring as a team. I add, “ You can tell him you’ll hit him up next time you’re free. Then don’t.” Girl One asks, “Will that work?” I wanted to exit on a cool note so I said, “The ball is in your court. Keep it there. Good luck,” before turning on my heel and walking to my car. I was wearing Crocs and a pimple patch so it probably wasn’t that swaggy, but it felt awesome.
Some call it lying; I prefer to see it as “women supporting women,” but our elevator camaraderie got me thinking about the nuanced art of flaking. “Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and others have greatness thrust upon them,” (a Shakespeare quote I learned by watching She’s The Man hundreds of times). I had greatness thrust upon me. My Neeson-esque “very particular set of skills” peaked in college when I became the go-to ghostwriter for everything that fell under the “gracefully bowing out” umbrella. My therapist calls it an “avoidant attachment;” I call it a gift. Canceling on a friend date, drafting a convincing sick email to your professor, letting a lover down easy—you name it, I was the fixer. If you were dating my roommate circa 2015 through 2017, that gorgeous break up text was definitely courtesy of yours truly. And for the record, you all took it super well!
After college I moved to Los Angeles, America’s capital of flaking on plans. This city took my raw potential and molded it into a craft. As Master Class hasn’t reached out yet, I thought I would give back to the community with a little tutorial. So grab your duvet, your cat, and your ex’s mom’s HBO login because you’re about to cancel on everything tonight.When Is It Okay to Lie?
For the record, honesty is obviously always the best policy, but there are some situations in which a white lie is the cruelty-free option. We all lead busy lives and flaking is a core tenant in the hustle and flow of adult friendships. Everyone is burnt out and over-committed, yet saying “I’m too tired to go to your ex-coworker’s poetry reading in Glendale” feels like a betrayal. I dream of the day when I’m self-actualized enough to tell people, “I’m just not in the mood,” but for the time being, there are a lot of fragile egos on the line. Don’t worry, flaking is baked into the culture of modern friendships the way businesses include shoplifting in their annual budget. Here is a list of cases where it’s socially acceptable to lie:
- Going out to brunch, dinner, or coffee
- Parties (unless they are marking a major life event)
- Birthday parties for someone’s pet or child
- Your friend’s improv showcase
- Anything vaguely sports related
- That 8 a.m. reformer pilates class your friend bullied you into signing up for with her
- Your friend’s boyfriend’s 1 a.m. DJ set
- A bachelorette event for a girl you don’t know that well but she invited you because she doesn’t have that many female friends
- Book clubs, writer’s groups, poetry circles—anything that requires homework as an adult
- First dates from Hinge, Feeld, Tinder, Grindr, etc.
- Second dates
- Third dates
- Dick appointments you made when you were horny, but now you’re sleepy
So now you find yourself in a situation listed above with board-certified permission to flake—what next?
Two Truths and a Lie
For every good-intentioned, “So sorry, something came up!” there will always be that demonic pushback, “Oh yeah, what’s going on?” For every “Oh shoot, I’ve got to head home!” there’s the dreaded, “It’s so early, why are you leaving?” They’ve forced your hand and you have nowhere to turn. Enter: lying.
The key to a good lie is basing it around a kernel of truth. This bit of truth is your lifeline—it’s your lie insurance. The problem with a 100% 200-proof lie is that they’re hard to remember. Did you wake up to a text from an acquaintance who you drunkenly agreed to get brunch with the night before? Now it’s literally the last thing you want to do, but you have no honest-to-God reason to get out of it. If you say something like “Oh no! I have my piano lesson this morning!” Cool lie, but you might find yourself fielding the question “How’s piano going?” two months later. Caught off-guard, you say, “What piano?” and you’re toast. The key to a perfect excuse is basing it in something real. Did your aunt visit last week? Great, that’s literally so boring no one will remember when it was. Maybe she’s already out of town but now that your friend is hitting you up about brunch, you can say, “Oh shoot! Totally forgot I promised to drive my aunt to LAX this morning.” Three weeks later, you finally catch up with that friend and they ask, “What did you do with your aunt in LA?” This time, you actually have an answer!
Delivery is Key
Similar to the game Two Truths and a Lie, don’t over-embellish your lie because it’s a dead giveaway. Keep things short, sweet, and concise. The more weird details you include, the more things you have to keep track of. The key to a great lie is having it be detailed enough that it feels real, but boring enough that there is not enough curiosity to ask follow-up questions. If the lie is too big—“I have to take my cat to the hospital”—you’re going to have to cosplay having a sick cat to everyone all week. Here is a list of low-lift, boring excuses you can deploy at any given time:
- “Shit, I forgot I made that dentist appointment six months ago.”
- “My dog is getting some booster shots this afternoon.”
- “It’s my [insert tangential family member]’s birthday.”
- “I’ve got to head out, the pharmacy closes at 9 p.m. and I can’t miss a day on these meds.” (Pro tip: get a non-lethal chronic illness to blame everything on. I highly recommend a vague digestive issue.)
- “My cousin is having a graduation dinner.”
- “I have jury duty this week.”
- “The New York team scheduled a 7 a.m. conference call.”
- “A plumber is coming to fix my sink between 11 a.m. and 4 p.m. today.”
- “I have an appointment with the Genius Bar to fix my old laptop.”
- “I’m picking up a table from a guy on Craigslist in Orange County.”
- “I have to take my car to the dealership because the [insert boring car part name] is on the recall list.”
Wow, I’m so bored just reading that list!
I’m Sick... Boo, You Whore
Faking sick is the oldest trick in the book. Oh, you got “food poisoning” the morning after St. Patrick’s Day? Sure, kid. When it comes to medical situations, you need to apply the same logic as before: detailed, but too boring to merit follow-up questions. And try to keep it in the realm of short-lived medical emergencies, so you can continue posting Insta stories the next day without raising any flags. These are great to deploy when getting out of work, asking to work from home, or any social obligations:
- “I’m getting a migraine.”
- “I woke up with pink eye and I need to get antibiotics.”
- “I have a sinus infection”
- “I get strep throat once a year.”
- “Can’t go to the client dinner; I can’t eat before my endoscopy in the morning.”
- “I have a sore throat but I’m waiting on a Covid test.” (Use this very sparingly, as Covid is a played-out excuse.)
- “My [insert vague chronic illness] is flaring up.”
- “I can’t go, I have a cold sore that’s making me self-conscious.”
- “I have an ear infection and I’m trying to see my PCP [Primary Care Physician] this afternoon.”
- “I’m getting a root canal tomorrow afternoon, can we postpone it to next week?”
Note: If what you really need is a mental health day, let’s just normalize telling the truth about that.
Not In the Mood for Love
Flaking on first, second, or third dates is my favorite—they know nothing about you, so you can use any excuse under the sun and they have no way of knowing. Now let’s say you’ve gone on five to seven dates and you’re realizing you’re not feeling it anymore. It’s past the point of ghosting but not serious enough to merit a formal, in-person break-up. This is when it’s time for the dreaded breakup text. This is truly black diamond-level flaking, so make sure you have at least two friends to copy edit your final draft. You want the thesis of the text to be, “It’s not you, it’s me,” but this is a show don’t tell method. For example: “I’m really in the weeds with this new job right now and I need to take a break from dating until my life feels more balanced.” The problem is on you. Remember, you don’t know this person very well, so even if the subtext reads, “This is over and I’m dumping you,” the actual text should be complimentary, positive, and apologetic. Give them a lot of honest compliments about the kind of person they are and apologize for it being the wrong time. Any emotionally intelligent person will understand what’s happening, appreciate your honesty, and take it gracefully.
If the breakup-ee tries to bargain with you—“That’s okay! We can take it slower!” or “I can work around your schedule!”—just keep the ball in your court. Something like, “Thanks! I really appreciate you saying that. I might be too overwhelmed right now but if my situation changes I will definitely let you know!” If the person reacts defensively—“Are you breaking up with me? What did I do?”—just reiterate your point compassionately. Say more nice things about them and bow out of the conversation as fast as you can. If the person reacts aggressively (i.e., “Fuck you,” or goes on a rant about what a shitty person you are), just leave it. Don’t engage. You said what you needed to say and they are having a tantrum.
Once, a woman sent me such a gorgeous text declining a second date that I literally just copy-pasted it into a chat with a girl I was trying to avoid a third date with. Share the love! #womensupportingwomen
What If You Get Caught?
So you canceled on a date and forgot you drunkenly followed each other on BeReal. There you are, red-handed, no colonoscopy the next morning, drinking a pint of beer at Medieval Times. First of all, don’t be sloppy with your social media. Any routine flake worth their salt knows this is the first rule of Liar Club. But we get it, shit happens. Nine times out of ten, the person will be hurt, but likely won’t confront you about it. In that case, your punishment is shame. Don’t hide from it–shame is a powerful teacher. If they do confront you about it, own up to it, say you’re sorry, and that you owe them a drink. It’s up to them if they choose to forgive you. Sometimes you’re the snake. We all are.
Flaking has its own karmic insurance. If you flake on others, you understand that people will flake on you. When I can tell someone is lying to get out of plans, the subtext is, “I don’t want to do this,” and that’s enough information for me. If someone is trying to wiggle out of plans, just give them the gift of letting them off the hook. As long as we keep buttoning every conversation with “we should get lunch some time,” we’re all complicit in flake culture. Just remember: be respectful, be compassionate, and think twice before posting on your Instagram stories.
