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A 101 Guide to Dirty Talk (Even If You're Bad at Improv)

Here are some helpful tips to make sure your dirty talk doesn’t leave someone with a foot in their mouth. (Unless that’s what you’re into…)

Streets To Sheets
A Graphic Illustration of Mouths, Ears, and Speech Bubbles

“Have you been a bad girl?” Well, I just filed my taxes early and had mac and cheese for dinner so… probably not? But I can’t say that out loud. What do I say? Should I tell her about the time I shoplifted Lip Venom from Sephora? That was pretty bad. But not like, sexy bad. What’s sexy bad? Should I smoke a cigarette? I don’t have cigarettes. Maybe I should just flip her off. Too far…

*Record scratch* Sound familiar? For your sake, I hope it doesn’t, but if you’re an anxious over-thinker, you’ve probably found yourself in a similar neurotic spiral the first time you heard someone getting performative in the bedroom. I had the same reaction. For the record, this isn’t about talking in the bedroom—good sex should always involve an open channel of communication—but the moment you hear a hint of theatricality creep in, it can oftentimes elicit a pang of dread. I thought the $500 I paid the UCB for my Improv 101 course would come in handy, but that was not the case—“Are you a dirty slut?” “Yes, and…put your hands up, you're under arrest!” Ew, no. Leave the ‘yes and’-ing to the so-called professionals.

So how do you strike a balance between PornHub and theater-kid energy? It’s all about authenticity. If taking it to level 11 with the role play is your speed, go for it. If you prefer the coy whispers and delicate innuendo of a Regency-era drama, be my guest. Just make sure that whatever you’re doing, your partner(s) are on board. Here are some helpful tips—with crowdsourced anecdotes from myself and friends—to make sure your “dirty talk” doesn’t leave someone with a foot in their mouth (unless that’s the goal).

Lay the Foundation

Remember that episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte is dating a guy, and every time he cums he shouts, “You fucking bitch! You fucking whore!” Poor Charlotte. We’ve all been there. Once a friend of mine was in the midst of a mediocre college hookup and, out of nowhere, this guy asked her, “Are you a little slut?” She couldn’t stop laughing. They never saw each other again. The problem is that you can’t just come out of left field with dirty talk. You need to ease into it.

If your date is going well and someone’s already agreed to “go back to mine,” let the banter get a little flirty. Make a lot of meaningful eye contact. Give each other compliments. Ask questions with a little innuendo. This is a good way to figure out what kind of sexual chemistry you two have. That way, when you get back to their apartment, you aren’t doing a 180 from “How many siblings do you have?” to “I’m going to plow you into next Tuesday.” Laying the foundation can range from flirting, sexting, to even just simply asking your partner, “What are you into?”

Stay in the Moment

There is nothing worse than when you can tell a person is paraphrasing a badly-written porno. It feels inauthentic, out of place, and oftentimes, pretty stupid. It also shows the other person that you’re more wrapped up in your head than the person in front of you. I had a friend that was hooking up with a guy that kept saying, “Let me in! Let me in! Let me in!” In recounting the story, he said, “I didn’t know what to tell him! He was already in!” Don’t be that guy. Make sure what you’re saying makes at least some sense in the given situation. Pay attention to the verbal and non-verbal signals your partner is giving you. Do they seem self-conscious or apprehensive? Is their posture a bit tense? Do they seem excited by what you’re saying or do they seem put on the spot? This leads me to my next tip…

Ask Questions

Ask. So. Many. Questions. At its finest, dirty talk is just a constant stream of questions. Do you like it when I do *blank*? What do you want to do to me? How are you going to do it? Do you like it when I call you a *blank*? How does it feel when I *blank*? This not only keeps the ball rolling, but it ensures you are getting consent every step of the way. Try to avoid yes-or-no questions. My friend slept with a man who asked her, “Oooh is that your pussy?” At a loss for words, she said, “Yep.” Not her finest work, but honestly, what a dumb fucking question. Who else’s pussy would it be? If you find yourself getting asked a dead-end question like that, just throw another question back at them. If they ask a yes-or-no question like, “Have you been a bad girl?”, throw the ball back in their court with, “How bad do you think I’ve been?” Just ping-pong some questions around until you’re in a flow that works for both of you.

The Devil is in the Details

I think 90% of dirty talk is just describing a) what you want to do, b) what you’re about to do, and c) what you’re doing. It’s like playing a game of Twister, but instead of “Put your left foot on green,” it’s “Put your right hand on my _______ .” Be precise! Name specific body parts, express your intentions, and use a lot of sexy adjectives. Don’t get stuck in the endless loop of “oh yeah,” “you’re so hot,” “ohmygod.” What’s so hot? Specificity is key. Back in the days when I was experimenting with heterosexuality, I was mid-blow-j and the guy kept saying “Oh my god” over and over again. I thought I was doing an amazing “job” until he elaborated, “Oh my god, I’ve never seen scoliosis this bad.” Use your words, folks!

Go Home and Go Big

This is the place to talk a big game. Don’t worry if it’s true or not. If people really followed through with every “I’m gonna *blank* you so hard in the *blank* that you won’t even be able to *blank* straight tomorrow,” I wouldn’t have had sex with so many people without health insurance. Dirty talk is all about being hyperbolic: “That’s the biggest *blank* I’ve ever seen." If it sounds sexy, go ahead and lie! “This is the first time I’ve ever *blanked*!” Lol, of course it isn’t. “I’ve been thinking about *blanking* you all day.” Actually, I was googling the astrological signs of the entire cast of Mad Men, but that’s my sexy little secret!

Content Warning

Now, while I encourage you to go absolutely buck wild in the step above, there are some parameters to keep in mind. If you do any type of power play, make sure your partner has consented to the use of any derogatory language (e.g., whore, bitch, slut, beta-cuck boy, etc.). I was once asked, “Are you a dumb slut?” This rubbed me the wrong way so I said, “Sure I’m a slut, but I actually got a really good score on my SATs.”

While some things may offend your partner(s), other comments might be just plain confusing. A friend of mine had a fling with a man a few years ago and in the heat of the moment, he moaned, “Ohhh yeah, you’re 21.” My friend was a hard 29 at the time. While this fantasy was of perfectly-legal drinking age, it was still a head-scratcher. It’s okay to be #random sometimes, but just make sure you’re both on the same page.

Speak Up

One last point I’ll make, and this rarely gets taken into account in Dirty Talk 101 Guides: mind your volume! Yes, we’re all familiar with the “loud” neighbor, but that’s not actually what I’m getting at. I was once hooking up with someone who would get a little bashful and opted to mumble everything very quickly. “I want you to [inaudible].” Let me tell you, there are only so many times you can say "What?" before the mood is entirely killed. Speak at an audible volume! If you are shy, just whisper it directly in their ear. Inversely, if you’re the one that can’t hear what your partner said, don’t guess! When it comes to experimental sexual requests, make sure you know exactly what they are asking for. Think you heard "toe"? Be fucking sure.

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