Dear Coveteur, How Do I Mentally Prepare For My First Threesome?
In our first installment of "Asking for a Friend," our editor answers a question fielded from our readers.
What should I do to mentally prepare for my first threesome? I’ve been talking to a couple and I’m excited to experiment, but I’ve never done this before. I’m worried it’s going to be super awkward—do you have any tips on how to best prepare for the situation?
When mentally preparing for a threesome, anticipation is usually the worst part. The thing they don’t show you in movies is the deeply unsexy side of threesomes: the logistics. Whether it’s a night-of arrangement or something brewing online for a week, there are very annoying details to iron out. Who is hosting? It’s typically the couple, but what if they have a roommate? Are you all on the same page about consumables (i.e., alcohol, cannabis, drugs)? Then there are the boundaries within the bedroom to consider such as kinks, sexual preference, and protection. It’s a lot to think about and it’s totally understandable why—even if it’s something you’re excited to do—it can cause a lot of anxiety.
Speaking from experience–I was giddy with nerves arriving at the doorstep of the married couple I’d matched with on Tinder. We had a few preliminary dates, but this was definitely “the night.” I walked up to the door cradling a giant bottle of water—for context, 40 minutes earlier I’d panic-called my friend in Walgreens with, “I’m having my first threesome tonight and they said they had snacks and wine, but it’s rude to come empty-handed, what’s a normal thing to bring to a threesome?” He said, “I don’t know, maybe a big bottle of water and a pack of cigarettes?” He’d had countless threesomes before, so I took his word as gospel. I only realized how dumb it was when they answered the door and I blurted, “I brought water.” They were confused, but thanked me graciously. There was some nervous snacking and small talk before the shirts came off. The couple had recently bought a tattoo gun and had practiced on each other to the point that they both looked like permanent first drafts. I found this oddly comforting. The night was fun. I learned a lot about myself. I even enjoyed my remaining water and cigarettes on the drive home.
When you are the “third,” the good news is that the couple has likely done a lot of talking before you entered the picture. They’ve discussed what they’re looking for, their boundaries as a couple, and their expectations of you as a guest star in their relationship. Your job is learning that information, and expressing your own limits and expectations. (Trust me, couples that do this usually love nothing more than to talk ad nauseam about their open-minded arrangement.)
Logistical planning can do some of the work for you. Before meeting up it’s nice to ask, “What’s your favorite drink? Do you want me to bring some weed?” Not only are you a gold-star house guest, but you ensure you’re all on the same page with the aforementioned substances. Whether you are meeting them at a bar for drinks or at someone’s house, it’s nice to warm up with conversation and get all the “awkward” questions out of the way. Personally, I feel it’s always more charming to discuss boundaries and fantasies in person than over text. What are you two looking for? Have you done this before? What do you like? Instead of treating these questions like a job interview, exploring these topics can even cross over into foreplay or dirty talk.
If you’re worried about things being awkward, communication is key. My rule of thumb is: if I don’t feel comfortable talking to someone about what’s happening, then I probably won’t feel comfortable doing it. And if you find yourself feeling anxious and uncomfortable, there is no shame in bailing. Because above all else, sex is supposed to be fun. Sex is also inherently silly and vulnerable. You may find yourself in strange positions. There may be weird sounds coming from weird places. You may get a Charley horse. You might need to take a break. That’s all fine. Take a step back and double-dutch yourself back in when you’re ready.
The best way to mentally prepare is to know that there is no perfect way of having a threesome. As an anxious over-thinker, try to put the catastrophic fantasies aside and trust yourself. Don’t panic and take the flippant advice of your friends and end up with an armful of Smart Water. Maybe it's a bit awkward, or worse, totally mediocre, but either way, you get to cross a threesome off your "fucket" list, and–as with all new experiences–learn something about yourself in the process.
