How to Survive and Thrive This Cuffing Season
Meteorologists are predicting a particularly rough cuffing season ahead - read on for tips on surviving and thriving this holiday season.
January was one of my busiest seasons as a family law attorney. In fact, some practitioners refer to January as “Dissolution Month,” with the first working Monday of the month in particular marking the end of many marriages. There are a lot of factors that make January a bum month for love–like a new tax year, New Year’s resolutions, or wily spouses waiting for that year-end bonus to drop before filing–but one of the biggest is that it comes right after the holidays. For some couples, they want to preserve the holiday season for their kids before dropping the bomb; for others, the stressful holiday season is just the last straw. “But aren’t the holidays supposed to be so romantic? Isn’t it prime cuffing season?” I hear ya barking, big dog, and you’re right–but every extreme swings both ways, and just as winter and the holiday season are prime romance time, they’re more fraught than most with potential pitfalls. From holiday parties to bringing home significant others to simply trying to pull off a huge hosting event with you and your spouse’s sanity intact, here are some relationship tips (from someone who’s seen the worst of the worst) to help you and yours weather cuffing weather and all it brings with it.
Rule 1: Don’t cuff for cuffing’s sake. I know this is easier said than done, but it’s a big one. This time of year is laden with boobytraps meant to trick the unwary into cuffdom. It’s dark, it’s cold, and every first date feels 100x more romantic when the streets are decked in twinkle lights and all the cocktail menus are pushing Irish Coffee, aka the original Four Loko. And that’s if you even get outside–the idea of skipping straight to the Netflix and chill stage to hibernate in the warmth and comfort of your own home is also extremely strong.
Pay attention to the warning signs that you’re rushing the cuffing. Ask yourself questions like, did I call this person just because I just wanted to do something tonight, or did I want to see THEM specifically? Am I feeling particularly vulnerable about not being in a couple right now? Do I just want a plus one to all the holiday functions? All these questions boil down to one single inquiry: do I like this person–or just the idea of having someone at this time of year?
The reason I have experience with this is because I’ve seen nasty splits result from this exact same mindset. For some people, “that time of year” might just be turning 30. It might be the same type of holiday pressure to bring someone home just to finally shut their parents up. Getting into a relationship for reasons other than just wanting to be with that person is like getting some exotic, high-maintenance pet you don’t actually want. Why spend the time and energy?
Instead, I recommend focusing on events with friends before you rush something with a subpar candidate. You can still try that holiday pop-up, or watch that cozy holiday movie over hot chocolate; it’s just as much fun (and probably more!) when it’s with good friends. Likewise, if you’re really craving that physical connection and intimacy, just remind yourself that not everyone you let into your life (or your studio apartment) has to be The One. As anyone who has ever dated while traveling can tell you, you can have amazing experiences, from one-night stands to friends with benefits, with someone you don’t necessarily see a future with. Whatever you do, just remember: don’t rush the cuff!
Rule 2: Learn the unwritten rules of holiday SO invites. These rules may seem arbitrary, but I promise they are based on extensive research. The study? My cousin bringing home a new girl for Christmas every year for the past ten years. This study has been peer-reviewed–as in, discussed extensively with my sister–and has led to our confident conclusion that there is a hierarchy of holidays that corresponds to the seriousness of your relationship with your new boo. Failure to match the seriousness of the relationship to the corresponding ideal holiday results in awkwardness, tension, and possibly getting mocked for years by your cousins who had to spend a whole dinner listening to a random girl they never saw again talk about her trip to the Alps for three hours.
The most casual holidays, of course, are your BBQ and/or party holidays: 4th of July, New Year’s Eve (although be wary of leading people on with the kiss tradition), Labor Day, and so on. People are going in and out, the drinks are flowin’, and the vibe is casual as can be. Next, we have holidays like Thanksgiving (and possibly Easter if you’re that kind of family). It’s more intimate but usually not too fraught with family traditions and formalities. The top of the hierarchy is, of course, the winter holidays. Usually involving intimate dinners, traditional activities, week-long hosting, and a lotttt of family time–introducing a significant other for the first time over the December season is a bold move.
Here’s my theory: If someone is so serious that you don’t feel awkward about them joining the fam for Christmas morning pajama time, well, presumably you’ve been dating for a while and you should have introduced them at a casual holiday before throwing everyone in the deep end. As someone who has spent the last ten years having to get to know a new stranger every Christmas, I can promise it’s incredibly awkward for family to rush the intro. Likewise, I can imagine it must be incredibly awkward for these girls to be invited to stay with and get to know the whole family just to have things end a few months later. If the relationship is meant to be, it’ll keep. Don’t rush an intro with someone you’re not fully planning to have around the next year. If you find yourself consistently unable to accurately guess how long your relationship is going to last, work that out with a therapist–or your family might just decide to stop putting in effort and end up making a bad impression by the time you bring around the one you’re ACTUALLY serious about.
Rule 3: Treat the office holiday party like just another work day. I know many people don’t want to hear this, but I think it’s some of the best advice anyone can ever get: Don’t drink at the holiday party. Just don’t do it! At the very least, limit yourself to one or two, depending on your tolerance. I know multiple people who have quit drinking after a particularly raucous office party, and many more who should have. Not only can you embarrass yourself or say or do something that could get you fired, but the alcohol and party vibes can make you feel like you’re in a more intimate setting than you are and can quickly spiral into cuffing season hunting grounds.
Look, I get it–I live in San Francisco, ground zero for tech holiday parties that are closer to Roman bacchanals than an office event. But at the end of the day, that’s what they are: office events. And while it seems like a fun party and some liquid courage provides the perfect boost of confidence to take that office crush to the next level, I promise it’s more likely to be a bad move than not. If nothing’s happened with your work crush yet, getting drunk and overly casual in front of your boss is a massive gamble. However strong the cuffing urge is, 99.99% of the time, you have more to lose than gain from spitting where you eat (to use the PG version of the idiom).
Rule 4: Teamwork makes the dreamwork. Yes, the holidays are extremely stressful. Nothing gets tempers higher than making mass amounts of food with people treating the kitchen like a train station. We have a lot of family around, usually family that we have good reason to only see at this time of year. We buy whole trees and put them in our house. We celebrate for eight nights in a row. Things are messy, hectic, and stressful as can be. But guess who isn’t your enemy in this? Your significant other. Relationships should be built on teamwork anyway, but at this time of year, when tensions are particularly high, extra kindness, compromise, and collaboration are necessary.
The real enemy is the holiday craziness, and you and your SO should be united against it. Whether it’s a dish going south, an overbearing family member, or the holidays triggering traumatic memories, the enemy IS the dry turkey, your racist Uncle Fred, or your partner’s memories of their dad leaving on Christmas. As easy as it is to take out stress on those closest to you–and often those you love and trust the most–acknowledge that everyone needs a little extra care during this time of year–make sure that you and your partner commit to providing that to each other. Make some extra time for just the two of you, make a game plan for tackling the holiday cooking, or even make a drinking game out of every time Uncle Fred brings up January 6th. Whatever you do, treat your partner as your greatest ally in any situation, not as your human stress ball.
Rule 5: Get your holiday hierarchy in line. If you’re even a little bit online, you’re probably aware of the “Am I the A**hole?” forum on Reddit, where people air out dramatic conflicts and ask the internet if they were in the wrong. If you’re familiar with this forum, you’ll also be familiar just how many of these stories happen to revolve around someone having their priorities completely out of whack. Obviously, holiday-related stories–”Was I wrong to tell my wife her cooking objectively isn’t as good as my mother's?” “Was it bad to tell my stepdaughter Santa forgot her this year?”–are extremely common.
As stated above, the holidays are a stressful time, and making sure you balance all your relationships accordingly is key. Sure, it makes sense that your mom comes before the girl you’ve been seeing super casually–but is putting your mom above the girl you plan to marry on a big holiday really a good move? Likely not. If someone matters to you during this time, make sure you demonstrate that. Now is the time of year to go out of your way to show the people you care about how much you love them by making time for them. How many holiday movies are based on workaholics who learn the true meaning of Christmas and save their family by finally hanging out with their wives and kids?
As we learned from the Grinch, the meaning of the season isn’t presents, but love. So if you want to be cuffed in any way–to a partner, a friend, or any other loved one–now’s the time to go out of your way to show that special someone that you really care.