Is Your Boss Toxic or Just Annoying?
A list of red flags that can help you identify whether or not your boss’s behavior is innocuously irritating or certifiably toxic. |
Rise and grind, losers. Your network is your net worth. Turn that mindset into a grindset. And, in the legendary words of Kelly Cutrone, “If you have to cry, go outside.”
I, like many, was raised on the Y2K trope of a “career woman”—a hard-nosed 20-something gal rushing around New York with an armful of magazines, always on a deadline, and too busy for love. Devil Wears Prada, 13 Going on 30, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days—these films painted a portrait of career-girl drama that seduced me and many of my contemporaries. “Workaholic” became Hollywood’s lazy synonym for “feminist,” and we saw that tidal wave rise and crash on the shores of millennial “girlbossery.”
This well-marketed fetish for capitalism created a very diligent workforce of over-worked, underpaid creatives. And who was always at the top of this pyramid? A clichéd, megalomaniac boss. From Miranda Priestly to Don Draper, we got in the habit of conflating erratic behavior and callous demands with “genius.” It’s not a tantrum, it’s an “artistic temperament.” That “urgent” call at 11 p.m.? Sorry, creativity doesn’t work 9 to 5. In short, the “asshole boss” comes with the territory. Somewhere along the line, we conflated this kind of treatment with “paying our dues.”
Having a “crazy boss” is so baked into our culture it’s banal. You cried in the bathroom today? How original. I was four years into my very Y2K magazine jobs before I came across a clickbait article titled, “Are you in a toxic relationship?” Being very single but also easily distracted, I thought, “Well, let’s find out!” What I read described, not only many of the bosses I’ve had, but the bosses of my friends as well. What we had long dismissed as “quirky” and “irritating” behavior can actually result in therapist-certified psychological damage.
Here is a list of red flags that can help you identify whether or not your boss’s behavior is innocuously annoying or certifiably toxic:
1. Hostile Communication
Disagreements and criticism are all an inevitable part of high-stress jobs, but when hostility is a routine part of the office culture, that’s a red flag. This can take many forms. Does your boss have erratic and unpredictable moods? Do fights break out often in meetings? Is there general unease and cattiness among coworkers? A friend of mine recently told me his boss threw a tantrum because a client dropped them. He kept screaming, “He’s acting like a little lady!” on the phone and made quite a scene at Sugarfish. Frequent outbursts are not only childish but create a pervasive feeling of anxiety and hostility for employees.
2. Controlling Your Time Outside Work
Yes, there will always be times when your work requires a bit of overtime or a lost weekend. We would love if everyone respected the OOO hours but hey, this isn’t France. When overtime hours turn from an exception to an expectation, that’s when you’re in trouble. My first boss in LA fired two employees citing that they “kept leaving at 6 p.m.,” as his biggest complaint. To him, they weren’t willing to “go the extra mile” and it terrified the rest of us into working hours of free overtime. Creating an environment of fear, lack of security, and extreme consequences molds your behavior over time. These tactics make it almost impossible to say no to things. When you are in constant fear of retaliation, your boundaries slowly start to evaporate.
3. They Don’t Foster Your Growth
If you’re on LinkedIn and you always see a lot of open positions at one company, watch out. When I moved to LA I often saw 10-15 production jobs on Indeed for The Ellen Show. Fast-forward three years and the comedian known for her “be kind” mantra was canceled for well-documented hostility towards her staff. Companies with a really high turnover rate are a telltale sign of a toxic work environment. I worked at a company that had such routine layoffs that I had eight different bosses in three years. With the constant threat of termination, we all developed a hostile malaise. Everyone was jaded, unmotivated, and frustrated with the constant reshuffling of responsibilities. If the leadership is inconsistent, indifferent to your personal needs, or downright hostile, it’s time to move on.
4. Walking on Eggshells
My friend used to work for a prestigious art gallery in London. Her manager was short-tempered and brooding. She set a special ringtone for him on her phone that even gave me a Pavlovian pang of fear when I heard it. Every day he would ask his assistant to pick up a $30 turkey arugula salad, put it in a Nutrabullet, and serve it to him as a “smoothie.” He would walk around sipping his meat drink out of a straw behind employees, menacing as they worked at their laptops. This was not only gross, but incredibly intimidating. He had no inhibitions about flying off the handle and reprimanding his employees in front of the entire staff. If your adrenaline spikes the second your boss enters a room, it’s a toxic environment.
5. Feeling Drained
When you’re continually operating in a high-stress environment, it gets harder and harder to jump off the merry-go-round. I remember days I would work an event til 2 or 3 a.m. and then be expected to come in early to write the event coverage. On other days I’d be on set for 12 hours straight. When you’re overworked, self-care seems like a laughable luxury. If your boss is willing to put your mental and physical health on the line for something as trivial as Miami Art Basel, get out of there. Listen to your friends when they express concern and don’t just say, “That’s Hollywood, baby!” like I did for years. Taking care of yourself is not only a necessity, but it gives you an opportunity to step back, right-size the job in your life, and start thinking about an exit strategy.
6. No, You’re Not a Family
If there is one tell-tale sign of a toxic work environment, it’s the phrase, “We’re a family here.” It’s never “Hey, go home early, we’re a family here.” It’s always, “I know you worked last weekend too, but we’re a family here and we all need to do our part.” These people are not your family—they are your employers. They are weaponizing guilt to exploit you and they will never respect your boundaries. This isn’t The Sopranos—you work for money and that shouldn’t come with some abstract obligation of “loyalty.”
In Conclusion…
Yes, the word “toxic” has veritably lost all meaning from overuse, but it’s important to stay vigilant when you see the signs. If the Covid-19 pandemic taught us anything, it’s that most of our jobs are “non-essential.” That marketing deck about competitive, organic dog food isn’t worth the ulcer it’s giving you. Deadlines can feel life-or-death at the time, but most of our jobs aren’t curing cancer and are pretty trivial outside of the context of a paycheck. If the above signs are resonating with you, go ahead and start quiet-quitting til the next round of layoffs. Or, go with my personal favorite: “loud quitting.” Sure, you won’t get the severance, but at least you get to make a scene, just like your favorite Y2K girlboss at the top of the third act.
Want more stories like this?
Is Marital Hate Really "Normal"?
There Are No Rule's in Ziwe's Closet
How to Get Your First Job in Fashion