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Take the Bull by the Horns, It’s Taurus Season

From Robert Pattinson to Enya, here are our favorite Taurus celebrities and their most iconic Taurean moments.

Living
Photo of Audrey Hepburn
Photo: Getty Images

The flowers are blooming, Flonase is flying off the shelves, hemlines are rising… it’s Taurus season, baby! After the Tasmanian Devil energy of Aries season, Taureans are here to remind you to ease off the gas, take the scenic route, and luxuriate in the sensuality of spring. Light that $117 Diptyque candle, splurge on the prix fixe menu, and overdraw your credit card for that Acne cashmere throw blanket. Not to be confused with the gaudy materialism of Leos, Taureans are all about indulging the senses—they want nothing more than to be swaddled in creature comforts 24/7.

Whether you’re a gorpcore Taurus who wants to go hiking or that stay-at-home friend who wants to get stoned and watch seven hours of Love Island—when a Taurus has a plan in mind, they are unshakable. But who doesn’t love to party? They don’t. Taureans don’t have FOMO and have a zero-tolerance policy for bullshit and drama. Their grounded outlook on life and easy-going demeanor makes them loyal friends and discreet confidantes. As a fixed sign, when they set their mind on something—a project, a plan, a potential lover—they will headbutt their way through any obstacle to make it happen. Yes, this can come across as bullish and stubborn, but if you have a Taurus in your corner, they will take anyone to the mat on your behalf.

If you are ready to dismiss Taureans as only loving to stay home and splurge, don’t write them off so fast. You know what else they do behind closed doors? They. Are. Fuuuuucking. Yes, more than simply “bullish,” Taureans are horny. Bear skin rug, fireplace, feeding each other chocolate-covered strawberries—they have that 80s VHS porno energy. They aren’t interested in a quicky (unless it’s in the woods or at the beach), they want a marathon of buck wild, kinky, headboard-cracking sex. So cue up “Sexual Healing (Extended Version)” by Marvin Gaye, pour yourself a glass of Barolo, and let the camera pan to that gauzy curtain blowing in the wind.

From Robert Pattinson to Enya, take a look at some of our favorite Taurus celebrities and their most iconically Taurean moments.

Robert Pattinson

Birthdate: May 13th

Robert Pattinson

Photos: Getty Images

Robert Pattinson

“Hold on tight, spider monkey!” Pattinson’s open disdain for the Twilight series is a perfect example of the blunt honesty and no-nonsense attitude of a Taurus sun. When asked what he thought of Stephanie Meyer’s books he said, “When I read it, it seemed like a book that wasn’t supposed to be published.” His unfiltered approach to interviews makes him an undeniable delight on talk shows. In a 2014 interview, he asked Jimmy Kimmel, “Have you ever had someone spit on you in an erotic way?” When Kimmel said he hadn’t, Pattison grins, “It’s pretty great.” Only a Taurus can pull off being so charming and horny at the same time.

Dennis Rodman & Carmen Electra

Birthdates: May 13th & April 20th

Dennis Rodman & Carmen Electra

Photos: Getty Images

Dennis Rodman & Carmen Electra

What do you get when you combine the indulgent excess and unbridled horniness of two Tauruses at once? An all-night bender that ends in a Vegas wedding. This tumultuous union lasted a whole of 9 days before it was annulled, but it was immortalized forever in the Hall of Fame of late-90s tabloid weddings.

Dennis Rodman

Photos: Getty Images

Dennis Rodman
Dennis Rodman

Bonus:

Aside from his stint on the Chicago Bulls, Rodman’s most Taurean quality is his fearless and fanciful approach to fashion, or possibly his “hotties and vodka” - NOT politics - based friendship with Kim Jong Un.

Megan Fox & Machine Gun Kelly

Birthdates: May 16th & April 22nd

Megan Fox & Machine Gun Kelly

Photos: Getty Images

Megan Fox & Machine Gun Kelly
Megan Fox & Machine Gun Kelly

“You smell like weed.” “I am weed.” That’s enough, you two. Although they are now reportedly “on a break,” Fox and Kelly took the sensuality of the Taurus sign to a, quite frankly, exhausting level of horniness. In describing their first kiss, Kelly recounted to GQ, “Even our first kiss, she wouldn’t kiss me. We just put our lips right in front of each other and breathed each other’s breath and then she just left.” With record-setting levels of tongue-touching, butt-cupping, and sappy social media captions, these two outshone even the Taurus x Taurus outrageousness of the Rodman/Electra 9-day marriage.

Barbra Streisand

Birthdate: April 24th

Barbra Streisand

Photo: Getty Images

Hello, gorgeous! Barbra Streisand is not only an EGOT winner, but a quadruple threat: she can sing, dance, act, and direct. Quintuple threat if you include her infamously ornery personality (TBH she can insult me any day of the week; it would be an honor). True to her star sign, Streisand was determined to make it on the silver screen and wouldn’t make any compromises on her way up. Even with pressure from the industry to change her appearance, she recalls, “I arrived in Hollywood without having my nose fixed, my teeth capped, or my name changed. That is very gratifying to me.”

After landing the lead role in Funny Girl on Broadway at only 21 and winning an Oscar for the on-screen role at 26, Streisand had an astronomical rise to fame in the ‘60s. In true Taurus fashion, her outfits were spectacular, her hair styled to the nines, and her nails dramatic and flawless. On screen and off, she remains a fashion icon of the era.

Audrey Hepburn

Birthdate: May 4th

Audrey Hepburn

Photo: Getty Images

Audrey Hepburn

I’ll admit, I grew a bit averse to Hepburn after the Breakfast at Tiffany’s poster became the calling card of every basic girl in the college dorms, but after some research, I learned Hepburn is way more influential than the zeitgeist gives her credit for. Before her acting career, she was a dancer in the Netherlands and spent her teenage years fighting alongside the Dutch resistance against Nazi occupation. Even while facing severe malnutrition due to the Dutch famine, she danced in secret performances to raise money for the resistance. Relating this to Taurus traits would be trivializing and obscene, so I refuse.

To keep this article in the clickbait-esque spirit with which it’s intended, let’s talk about her favorite food: spaghetti. According to Hepburn’s son, she “ate pasta once a day.” Her favorite dish was spaghetti al pomodoro, “swimming in sauce,” and there are many online recipes that aim to replicate the dish. The dedication to perfecting a single recipe and sourcing the simplest and best ingredients is classic Taurus behavior. She also had a soft spot for animals, even once adopting a pet deer named “Pippin” who lived alongside her Yorkshire terrier, Mr. Famous.

Enya

Birthdate: May 17th

Enya

Photos: Getty Images

Enya

With its sweeping orchestrals and therapist-website graphics, Enya’s Orinoco Flow is the national anthem of Tauruses. I still marvel at the fact that this spectral, Celtic, New Age album won multiple Grammys and the whole nation was on board. Truly, where is this energy today? Perhaps the most Taurus quality about Enya is her brooding, reclusive lifestyle. She lives in a heavily-fortified castle in Ireland with her 12 cats. She also refuses to listen to any outside music for fear of it influencing her own work. Living alone in an Irish castle with 12 cats is definitely vision-board fodder for most Tauruses.

Mark Zuckerberg

Birthdate: May 14th

Zuckerberg likes smoked meats

BBQ with Zuccy

Honestly, I don’t actually want to waste any airtime on this creep. That being said, the YouTube hyper-cut of Zuck talking about smoking brisket on Facebook Live is perhaps one of the most Taurean videos on the internet. He loves smoking meat. He is the meat chef.

Lizzo

Birthdate: April 27th

Lizza

Photos: Getty Images

Lizzo

Lizzo’s bombastic positivity and unapologetic sense of humor shows off the playful side of the Taurus sign. As a classically-trained flutist and credentialed professor of twerking, Lizzo’s combination of her two talents is the gold-standard Taurus version of patting your head and rubbing your stomach at the same time. The title of her breakout hit, “Truth Hurts” is the go-to slogan of all brutally honest Taureans. In addition to her on-stage presence, she loves full-tilt Taurus glamor off the clock as well. After the 2019 Met Gala, she wore her red carpet, neon-pink feathered coat through the Virgin “upper class terminal” on her way to board the plane. Luxury travel was invented by Tauruses, for Tauruses.

Sigmund Freud

Birthdate: May 6th

Sigmund Freud

Photo: Getty Images

This stone-cold freak pioneered modern psychoanalysis by claiming everything was related to sex—“The behavior of a human being in sexual matters is often a prototype for the whole of his other modes of reaction in life.” With a name synonymous with latent horniness, this pervy Austrian is the brand ambassador for all Tauruses.

Barbra Streisand: Part 2

Birthdate: April 24th

Yeah, Barbra is on this list twice. Bite me.

Streisand’s career and fashion aside, her dedication to lavish home decor is peak Taurus behavior. She not only wrote an interior decorating book called “My Passion For Design” but revealed exclusive images of the underground shopping mall at her Malibu estate. Complete with antique clothing stores, a doll store, and a sweet shop that serves frozen yogurt, this underground mall is full-tilt Taurus madness and I think about it at least once a week.

In addition to her obsession with home decor, she is deeply devoted to her two curly-haired Coton de Tulear dogs. After the death of her beloved Samantha, she had Sammie cloned and the resulting pups—Miss Violet and Miss Scarlett—are taken to visit Sammie’s grave once a year to pay their respects. I follow @barbrastreisand on Instagram primarily for this yearly photoshoot. When asked about the clones, Streisand said, “You can clone the look of a dog, but you can’t clone the soul. Still, every time I look at their faces, I think of my Samantha...and smile.”
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