The Kinsey Scale of Winter Apparel

0 - Exclusively heterosexual

We all know about Christian Girl Autumn, but I feel like Christian Girl Winter is the fully-evolved Pokémon of straight girl style. Did she wear a wide-brim felt hat in the fall? If so, she’s now wearing a giant white cable-knit beanie with a huge pom pom at the top. We’re talking about a Patagonia puffer paired with Uggs or L.L. Bean duck boots. Black leggings tucked into knee-high brown leather boots. Wait, aren’t tall leather boots kind of c*nty and therefore at least a 2 or 3 on the Kinsey scale? Not the ones I’m talking about—and you know the ones I’m talking about. These boots sit in the dorm room closet of every freshman at Northeastern next to all her Taylor Swift Eras merch.

1 - Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual

I’ve always loved the concept of “incidentally homosexual” because it implies you maybe just took a wrong turn and stumbled into some gayness. But when it comes to apparel, even the most staunch heterosexuals can accidentally appropriate some aspect of queer culture. In the realm of winter accessories, items like scarves, hats, boots, and occasionally cross-body bags can—with just a hint of panache—be elevated from hetero staple to incidentally homosexual. For example, that construction worker only incidentally looks like a member of the Village People. A man’s scarf can be a little too thin. Is that man in a turtleneck because it’s cold or because he’s a bit, ya know, “artsy”? Is that girl wearing flannel in a Taylor Swift “Evermore” way or in an “I’m a frequent shopper at Home Depot” way? Yes, even the most run-of-the-mill, Lifetime movie winter accessory can possess just a whisper of homosexual flair if you have strong enough gaydar.

2 - Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual

Heterosexual but a little homosexual on purpose is an interesting space. You’re mostly straight, even bisexual on occasion, but when it comes to style, you’re always trying to raise a few eyebrows. In terms of clothing, this can lean into “queerbaiting” or, if you are still living in 2001, “metrosexual.” Think Harry Styles, Timothée Chalamet, Bad Bunny–nail polish, bright colors, jewelry, Indie Sleaze low-cut shirts, skinny jeans, and patent leather shoes. They’re predominantly heterosexual, but that jaunty ascot is not an accident. Quirked-up girls in Doc Martens who gave themselves a homemade haircut–sure, she’s had the same boyfriend from high school, but she’s really taking the reins on chatting up girlies on their joint Feeld account.

3 - Equally heterosexual and homosexual

You would think that when it comes to clothes, something that is equally heterosexual and homosexual would just be “bisexual fashion.” Not the case here—bisexuals can be easily identified by their cuffed pants, cuffed shirts, cuffed hats, and their habit of immediately telling everyone they are bisexual. The accessory that has emerged as the ultimate “this one could go 50/50” in the straight/gay dichotomy is—drum roll please—camo! Yes, every Dimes Square gay in New York dresses like a member of Duck Dynasty the second the leaves in Central Park start to yellow. Real camo, Oakleys, mullets, badly washed piercings, neon hunting gear accents, John Deere, Carhartt—the homosexuals are all over it. Outside of metropolitan (aka gay) cities, this exact same apparel is the go-to wardrobe for gun-totin’, American flag (or Confederate, yikes!) wavin’, deer huntin’, tobacco-spittin’, Midwestern men—aka the proudest heterosexuals in the country. If you see someone in head-to-toe camo and workwear, there’s a 50/50 chance that this is the gayest or straightest person you will ever meet—and nothing in between.

4 - Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual

Now, “incidentally heterosexual” is a far hazier category than incidentally homosexual. When a gay person is looking “more than incidentally hetero,” aka “gay but a little straight,” it means the accessories are traditionally gay but with a straight flair to them. Is he wearing a pearl necklace because he’s…you know…or is he a straight gen-Z TikToker? Big mohair coat? Fruity and fabulous or simply a vintage-lover? Fingerless motorcycle gloves in a Tom of Finland way, or do you actually drive a motorcycle but enjoy a kicky accessory? Oversized blazer like Ellen in the 90s or Hailey Bieber circa now? Bucket hat—who knows what the hell those mean anymore. Other honorable mentions: long johns with a butt flap and a turtleneck dicky.

5 - Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual

These are accessories so gay that any interpretations of heterosexuality would be an accident. For example: a jock strap. I promise you that go-go dancer does not have a field hockey game after this. A carabiner keychain: is there a chance she’s a rock climber? Sure. But that flimsy ass keychain with her Subaru Forester keys attached isn’t going to be much help in belaying. That man on the ice rink in skin-tight pants with a fox fur muff—he’s either gay or a Russian Olympian (or both). A man with a single earring—we all know what that means, but it would only qualify as “incidentally heterosexual” if he forgot which ear was the gay one.

6 - Exclusively homosexual

Now if you can’t find any definitive signs of gayness—nary a septum piercing or asymmetrical haircut in sight—there is one definite gay calling card: a big ol’ cup of iced coffee. Yeah, it’s winter, but that doesn’t stop the gays. No matter the season, a gay person will always be walking quickly, huge headphones (and yeah, they got Burlington, VT on their Spotify wrapped), with a big plastic cup of iced coffee that they are stirring ferociously with a straw. When you hear the clickity clack of those giant ice cubes being swirled around (or maybe the crunch crunch of someone stabbing the crushed ice in a Coffee Bean cold brew), you’re looking at a hard 6 on the Kinsey Scale. Why are they walking so fast? Because it took so long to buy that $11 coffee from a Kinsey-scale-3 barista and they are definitely late for their vague social media management job.

X - No socio-sexual contacts or reactions

There are few items of apparel that exude zero sexuality, but there is one winter accessory that comes to mind: the beige cargo short. Yes, we all know that person—a former math teacher, that freshman who still wears their lanyard, maybe an estranged cousin—they, for no reason whatsoever, insist on wearing beige cargo shorts 365 days a year. Bonus points if they wear a suede slip-on Merrell in the color “fudge.”

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