Taking a right on Fletcher Drive on the eastside of Los Angeles, there’s a billboard with two male figures under a caption that reads, “Sorry, This Is My First Time Being Gay.” To this day, I have no clue what the billboard is advertising, but my friends and I quote it reflexively whenever we take Fletcher to the I-5. There is something both deeply relatable and incredibly nonsensical about that phrase. The anxiety and insecurity that comes with your first sexual same-sex encounter is universal in the queer community, and yet the idea that “being gay” is something that can be activated in a single moment is absurd.
Your first queer date, whether that be in high school or your late thirties, can feel daunting. At the time I started questioning my sexuality, I was working in the college library shelving books during the evening shift. As a hapless dork with anxiety, every time I was in the “queer theory section” (which was expansive in my liberal arts school), I would sit on the floor and read through book after book in the hopes that some gay savvy would be absorbed through the words. I went down internet wormholes. I took every “Am I Gay?” quiz online—no matter how badly spelled they were. And after all that scholarship, I still felt woefully under qualified to call myself a member of the queer community—even less equipped to start dating.
I had so many lingering questions no book could tell me: How do you know if it’s a flirtation or a friendship? Who makes the first move? Do I tell them it’s my first time? The fact that there was no socially-established script to follow like in heterosexual dating made my head spin. I wanted rules as guidelines so I wouldn’t embarrass myself. As I’ve grown older and have been a card-carrying queer for nearly a decade, I am now incredibly grateful that there is no script. Not having rules is what makes the queer community so, for lack of a better word, queer. The comfort of the heterosexual script is that you don’t need to interrogate yourself with every move. Do I actually want this? What feels good to me? What am I really desiring right now? However, not having a script means you have to go through that irritating process my therapist calls “being in tune with your feelings.” It’s corny, but it’s true. From flirting to sex to relationships, your intuition is your best teacher.
That being said, here are things I’ve learned through the years that might ease you into your first gay date.
We’ve all been there once
Right now, you’re what we call a “baby gay” or a “baby dyke.” You’re fresh, you’re new, you maybe haven’t even watched The L Word. It’s okay, you’ll learn all the words to “Closer to Fine” by the Indigo Girls in due time, but for now, just take it day by day. Thankfully you’ve already done the hardest thing, which is acknowledging your sexuality and braving the process of coming out to trusted individuals. You can be a baby gay at 12 or at 55; just know that all of us have been where you are now. If you’re going on your first date with a queer person and you’re feeling insecure about your newness, it’s okay to disclose to that person where you are at. Most compassionate people will understand and share their own coming-out stories. This is a time for you to build community. If queer people love talking about anything, it’s about their own queer trauma.
Don’t let anyone gatekeep queerness
If, for any reason, someone is put off by your “baby gay” status, this is maybe not a great person to pursue a relationship with. You want to connect with queer people that are affirming, welcoming, and ready to meet you where you’re at. If that person is condescending or invalidating, just know that is not a representation of the community at large. Yes, a lot of queer people are wary because maybe they encountered someone who was feckless with their feelings in a period of “experimentation,” but that’s still no excuse to write someone off in the beginning of their journey. If you encounter someone who tries to gatekeep queerness by putting valuations on what it means to be “gay enough,” move on. Also, as much as I hate to say it, there is some rampant biphobia in certain corners of the gay community. If anyone makes you feel ostracized for your past straight relationships or sexual fluidity, just disengage. You’re probably already in your head enough about your sexual identity, and you don’t need to fuel the insecurity with this small-minded bullshit.
Don’t put too much pressure on a first date
This is the first of many first dates. When you’re figuring out your sexuality, every tiny step feels weighted with huge significance. If you go on a date and find you aren’t attracted to that person, don’t freak out. That doesn’t mean you were “wrong” or “not gay enough,” it just means you didn’t have chemistry. This is going to be a non-linear journey, so don’t take every hiccup as a fatalistic “sign.” Gay dates are really the same as any date: some are good, some are bad, some are totally mediocre. Sometimes—especially with girls—you realize you have more of a friendship chemistry than a sexual dynamic. That’s great! That’s actually how a lot of beautiful queer friendships begin.
Trust yourself
This can feel trite especially when you’re a baby gay looking for answers, but you will start to develop an incredibly nuanced dialogue with yourself throughout this process of experimentation. Are you a top, bottom, switch, vers, femme, butch, futch, chapstick lesbian, pillow princess, stone butch, or power bottom? Are you a Shane or an Alice? Thankfully you don’t need to have all the answers right away, just make sure you’re having fun while you figure it out. And give yourself permission to change! Don’t feel pressure to box yourself in too quickly to make your identity more legible to other people.
FAQs
I won’t patronize you by breaking down the steps of “how to go on a date.” Gay or straight—it’s pretty much the same rigamarole. Instead, I’ll just give you a few quick tips that pertain to w-l-w dating specifically:
- If you’re looking to start dating women, I would test the waters on dating apps. That way you aren’t stuck in the purgatory of figuring out if someone wants to hang out “as friends” or something more. Tinder was hot a few years ago, but I feel like most people have migrated over to Hinge as the default. You can try your hand at more niche apps like Her, Lex, or Feeld, but I tend to just go for apps where you can cast the widest net.
- Don’t spend too much time talking on dating apps. After some quick light banter, get her number and make a plan over text. Especially with women, it’s easy to fall into the purgatory of polite pen pal-ship.
- When it comes to paying, it’s not too trad to foot the bill. I usually follow the rule of thumb of “whoever did the asking out should offer to pay,” but it’s also totally fine to go dutch. If someone insists on paying, I usually say I’ll get the next round. If the date is going well, you can say, “I’ll buy drinks on our next date.”
Go for it!
At the end of the day, the only way to learn is through doing. Make a dating profile, get out there, make mistakes, and do it all over again. In the meantime, learn your astrological big three, clip your keys to your belt loop with a carabiner, and try not to U-Haul with the first girl you meet. Good luck out there!