When I was a freshman in college, I avoided spending the night with guys out of fear of how they would react in the morning when their rose colored (drunk) glasses came off. The fear was mostly in relation to my hair—at the time, I was chemically relaxing rather than embracing my curly coils. Despite this, after a night of sleeping with no bonnet or silk pillowcases, the curls and the frizz would make unwelcome appearances.
In retrospect, it's easy to conclude that I didn't real safe or secure within those relationships. At the time, I thought that was how I would always feel in my dynamics with men—overly concerned about how I look and how I'm perceived and terrified that, if anything natural about my appearance was revealed, they would immediately be overcome with disgust. Luckily, I grew out of that fear and, when I was in my happiest and healthiest relationship, I felt safe enough to start my natural hair journey by shaving my head, letting it grow out, and learning about my natural curl pattern for the first time in my life.
So, what is the curly hair theory? Essentially, this theory suggests that when a woman falls in love and feels secure in her relationship, her hair returns to its natural curly state. The flat irons go into retirement, the heat protection spray is no longer needed, and the curls thrive at their bounciest. While this might seem silly to some and some reactions have been in the realm of what's the big deal? It's just hair, this is a big deal for curly haired folks as we live in a society with Eurocentric beauty standards and "neat" preferences that has deemed our natural textures unruly, unprofessional and, at times, just generally unattractive.
While times have changed a bit, those feelings and insecurities can remain engrained—and, therefore, feeling secure enough to embrace your natural hair can feel like a major step. When I caught wind of the term "curly hair theory" being thrown around on TikTok, it immediately rung true to me—but in true Capricorn nature, I wasn't going to come without evidence to back up my claim.
According to psychotherapist Julia Simone Fogelson, the curly hair theory coming into effect is a sign of a secure attachment bond forming. "Early in relationships, there’s typically a period of 'courting'—our human version of mating rituals—where people put extra effort into appearance, presentation, and behavior," Fogelson says. "As commitment deepens and attachment becomes more secure, individuals often feel safer relaxing into their authentic selves. Embracing a more natural appearance can be one reflection of that increased emotional safety."
So when I was a college freshman afraid of how men would react to any sign of my natural hair, I was stuck in the courting stage—some of those relationships didn't last long enough for commitment to deepen and when it did, the attachment was never secure. According to intimacy and relationship expert Dr. Viviana, the courting stage tends to be a bit performative. "In a healthy relationship, that pressure softens," Dr. Viviana says. "It is not that people stop caring about how they look. It is that they feel safe enough to stop performing. A healthy relationship does not make someone let themselves go. It gives them permission to be seen without the performance."
The curly hair theory has also presented itself in films, most famously in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days where Kate Hudson's character embraces her textured hair after falling in love and giving herself the grace of not being overly in control of everything. The hairstyling choices work effectively as a storytelling device, but that evolution is also a real human thing—surrendering control and paying no mind to societal stands naturally reveals our most authentic selves, curls and all. And sometimes, it takes a really healthy relationship to get you to that place. "In long-term, committed relationships, people often approach beauty rituals—especially those tied to dating or sex—more casually," Fogelson says. "When a partner has demonstrated trustworthiness and loyalty, there’s less fear of abandonment, allowing both people to relax more fully into the relationship."
IMDBDoes being in love go beyond fully allowing one to relax into their most authentic and natural self? Well, maybe. According to both Fogelson and Dr. Viviana, the positive feelings that a good relationship brings to the surface—happiness, excitement, the absence of stress etc.—can lead to increased energy, a boosted immune system, and reduced blood pressure, all of which are great things for our physical appearance, hair included. "The 'glow' people talk about when in love is often what happens when your nervous system finally relaxes," Dr. Viviana says. Perhaps, the truth that we must reckon with is that being in love is the biggest beauty hack of all time.