Is Breakup Sex A Good Idea? We Asked Three Therapists

Breakups aren’t one size fits all. What works for me (or what I think works for me—more on that later) might not work for some. This might sound like a hot take, but lately I’ve been feeling as though breakup sex can actually be something worth indulging in. I’m currently in the midst of an extended breakup and I’d like to take this opportunity to play devil’s advocate.

Breakup sex is the sex that people have before they break up, during the breakup, or after they break up—it’s essentially used as one last attempt to connect before parting ways. While going out of your way to connect with someone you just broke up with might seem counterproductive, breakups are both a physical and emotional process. “Many people indulge because it's physically pleasurable, whilst others may be more drawn to the emotional comfort and familiarity this connection provides during an unfamiliar and uncomfortable time,” relationship and sex therapist Georgina Vass says. “Breakup sex may act as a way to cope with the mixed feelings around the loss and uncertainty for the future.”

Breakups do, after all, feel very similar to grief—the one major similarity is that you are losing the person that you would have found comfort in, in the past. “Attachment does not just switch off the moment a break up happens,” Dr. Viviana Coles, relationship and intimacy expert, says. “There is often still attraction, familiarity, grief, and a desire for comfort, so people reach for what has felt connected before.”

In my case, my experience with  breakup sex unfolded due to my dissatisfaction with how unceremonious the break up felt—I spent an extended amount of time with someone and all I was going to get was a hug and a goodbye? I saw it as a more ceremonious goodbye, one last hurrah, if you will. It’s also very possible that, as a Capricorn, who seeks control and wants to yield the power to change things, I hoped that the act would alter the ultimate outcome—or, at the very least, (and more realistically) extend things for as long as humanly possible. “Break up sex is often a last ditch effort to see if things can be worked through, or even a simple goodbye knowing you’ll never feel them again,” sex therapist and founder of Boutique Psychotherapy Dr. Carli Blau says.

Yes, this did open some doors back up, muddy the waters a bit, and lead to a more extended breakup, but for me, it’s what I needed—a slow weaning off, rather than an abrupt cut off of communication with intimacy that feels familiar. Instead, more communication was opened up that I am hopeful will ultimately result in us parting ways on good terms—perhaps even as friends, but we all know that's complicated. This is, of course, not the right breakup route for everyone—while it feels right for me in this moment, these blurred lines can delay healing and result in more hurt. “Breakup sex tends to delay the healing process and muddy the waters, so I generally would not recommend it. One of the biggest problems is that it can create confusion about whether the relationship is really over and can stir up false hope for one or both people,” Dr. Viviana Coles says. “It keeps people emotionally tied to someone they are trying to separate from. Real closure usually comes from honesty, boundaries, and acceptance rather than one last intimate experience.”

On the other hand, Dr. Carli Blau encourages people going through breakups to try sex one last time. "I tell people to have break up sex. Do it one last time," she says. "Dive in and feel it, so you never leave a relationship with questions unanswered."

So, breakup sex:  a great idea or major roadblock to closure? Well, it's purely circumstantial and entirely dependent on the person and the relationship, especially if one is trying to escape a toxic, unhealthy, or unsafe dynamic. It’s important in these circumstances to uphold your boundaries and remain as safe as possible. But two people who are just going through a regular, polite, run-of-the-mill breakup? That’s up to both parties involved.

For me, the hardest part of a breakup is coming to terms with the fact that I am now alone in that intimate way that only a romantic partner that you spend extended time with and who sees you at your rawest, can fill. Loss, in any form, is hard to move past—so can you really blame anyone trying to avoid that for as long as they can?