sexy valentines day gift guide

The Sexiest Valentine’s Day Gift Guide Ever

This list is full of “stocking stuffers,” if you will...

By: Lindsay Brown

Remember back in the day when celebrating Valentine’s Day involved passing out heart-shaped cards and had nothing to do with fucking or spending money? Lord, that was a wholesome time. These days, for better or worse, Valentine’s Day tends to be celebrated a little bit differently. You know the drill: Come February 14th flowers will be bought, chocolates will be gifted, and dinner reservations will be fought over like rations during a war. Usually, some sex gets sprinkled into the mix, too. It’s tradition!

While many people begrudge the commercialization of Valentine’s Day, I am personally very much into it. Why? Because while you can’t buy love, you CAN buy presents! (As a single person who has dated some incredibly questionable creatures, I find this fact comforting.) Whether you are shopping for yourself or someone you love almost as much, here are some options guaranteed to make a lady feel special.

*Friendly reminder: This list includes vibrators, which make excellent gifts for yourself and your partner. They do not make excellent gifts for people you’re not involved in a consensual, sexual relationship with.

The Vesper Pendant: If you like sex and love jewelry, girl, do I have a vibrating necklace for you! The Vesper pendant is a clitoral vibrator that moonlights as an understated pendant necklace. It’s minimalist with a hint of “Inspector Gadget,” and I am ob-fucking-sessed. (Strangers seem to be, too; I have received multiple compliments on my gold-plated Vesper from friendly girls in the bar bathrooms, who have no idea I am wearing an orgasm aid around my neck. It makes me feel very James Bond.) I’ve been wearing the Vesper pendant for over a year, and I could not possibly love it more. Perhaps because it’s the only necklace I own that literally loves me back.

Leather Is Better: You know what’s cooler than lace lingerie? Showing up wearing a leather jacket and a pair of panties with a fucking snake on them. You can find both at NYC’s cult clothing store The Cast.

We-Vibe Match: There are a lot of ways to come together as a couple (cooking…pottery class…going antiquing…) but the one I’m partial to involves the We-Vibe. The We-Vibe Match is a couple’s vibrator designed to be worn during sex that enhances the experience for both partners. It truly is a stunning advertisement for the power of teamwork! The We-Vibe is particularly wonderful for women who cannot always climax from sex alone, i.e., most of us. Despite what we’ve been taught by the fantastically terrible world of romcoms, reaching orgasm from penetration alone is difficult for many women, and duelling orgasms can be elusive at best. Here’s where the We-Vibe comes in: It provides all the extra vibration necessary (both internally and externally) to bring you over the edge. Note it can also be used alone, should your man turn out to be trash and disappoint you. HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!

Cleo Bangle Handcuffs by Unbound: Check it out—more sex jewelry! While I am obsessed with Unbound’s entire jewelry line, these Cleo Bangle Handcuffs are the standout that has truly stolen my heart. Both bangles and bondage-gear, the only hint that these Cleopatra-inspired stackable gold cuffs are anything but innocent jewelry is the subtle chain connecting them together. Place one on each wrist, and you’ve got yourself a functional set of wrist restraints. Yes, please. For a less subtle but more badass option, check out their Simple Silver Handcuff Bangles, as well.

Satisfyer PRO Deluxe: I have a confession to make: I initially picked up this vibrator purely because it’s rose gold and I’m basic like that. While the Satisfyer’s design is what reeled me in, it was the vibrator’s Olympian-like performance that won me over. Instead of vibrating like most traditional devices, the Satisfyer Pro Deluxe features suction-style technology that simulates oral sex. And let me just say, it does the job fabulously. Waves and waves of orgasms on demand make this vibrator a (rose) gold medal winner for my personal version of the Winter Games. (Yes, I have a team… Let’s just say the bottom drawer of my bedside table is an Olympic Village.) It also wins bonus points for matching my fancy candles and a good chunk of my ring collection.

Lingerie by Bordelle: When shopping for lingerie, the aesthetic I tend to go for is “glamorously threatening.” Make of that what you will, but Bordelle’s Art Deco line absolutely gets the job done. On my list this year is the Bordelle Art Deco Mesh Wrap Bra, and the High Waisted Brief, available at Brooklyn Fox Lingerie. Perfect for everyone who wants to feel sexy but a little bit threatening. Like Scary Spice!