As many of you are aware, Khloé Kardashian is (and has been, seemingly forever) on a fitness kick of sorts. Naturally, the woman looks amazing. And while I applaud her dedication to the gym (steps I am absolutely unwilling to take), I fear she may have gone too far. And by “far” I mean out of the gym and into her bedroom.
Taking to her official website, Khloé wrote: “I had my team put together a list of sex positions that burn the most calories, because what’s more fun than getting down??? LOL.” [Lol indeed, Khloé, lol indeed]. “I even found this ‘sex calculator’ that tells you exactly how many calories are burned between the sheets based on your gender, weight, position, style (‘slow,’ ‘frisky,’ or ‘fast and furious,’ haha) and time frame.”
Oh boy. I have so many things to say about this Kalorie Kalculator approach to sex, but I’ll stick with the most obvious: I cannot relate to this at all.
While I have a few things in common with Khloe (our mothers are both named Kris), a dedication to exercise is not one of them, and I remain unschooled in the ways of this celeb-approved sexual Tae Bo. Which is probably for the best, tbh. Because when it comes to working out, I, my friends, am one lazy motherfucker.
When it comes to sex, however, it’s a different story. Sometimes. As regular readers will know, I am a big fan of super sweaty, no-holds-barred sex. But I don’t do it for the cardio. In the midst of an intense session, the last thing I’m contemplating is whether this counts as workin’ on mah fitness. In fact, there is an extremely limited set of circumstances in which the gym will ever cross my mind during sexual situations. Like when I’m on top, bouncing around like a fearsome kangaroo, desperately wishing for a sports bra and trying to get my partner to make one with his hands (#teamwork).
So yes, I enjoy vigorous fucking. But a haggard twentysomething such as myself can only do so much. While I generally enjoy being an active participant in sex, sometimes I’m just too goddamned tired. After a long day of work (I have a real job, you guys, I swear) or a long weekend of fighting off a hangover, effort is the last thing I want to put into anything. Even my vagina.
I talked to some friends of mine, and it seems I am by no means alone in this. While none of us explicitly advocate it, in some some situations, lazy sex might be all you can manage when you want to get off. Maybe you are recovering from a five-day acid trip at Burning Man. Maybe you just spent two days straight writing the bar exam. Or maybe you are just exhausted by living in the clusterfuck end of times that is 2016. I get it. I SOOOO get it.
To help me out, I called on the wisdom of Jamie Snow, the magical head trainer and general manager of Toronto’s Fuel Training Club. I sat her down in order to get her professional opinion on how to get the most out of the absolute least amount of effort possible.
Here is what I learned:
LB: So I realize you are an expert in calorie-burning, not calorie conservation. However, I figured that in order to be an expert in the former, you probably know a bit about the latter. True?
JS: Absolutely. For the record, this isn’t how I usually use my expertise, I’m more about exercise than avoiding it… but I’ll do what I can to help.
LB: Amazing. So the big question: How can I ENSURE that I’m not getting a workout whilst banging? A lazy girl needs to know.
JS: [Laughs] Well, obviously, you’re going to expend more energy out of high-intensity movement. So you’ll want to avoid that.
LB: Especially after a big night—hangover sweats are the worst! Does timeline matter?
JS: Yes, depending on what kind of activity you’re doing. For example, long, slow sex is like spending an hour on the elliptical: from a fitness perspective, it’s somewhat a waste of time. The second you’re finished your workout, you’re finished burning calories. With interval training [the high-intensity stuff], the metabolic impact continues even when you’ve finished your training. When the sex or workout is done, your body is still burning calories because you’re having to recover from the way that energy is expended.
LB: So based on that, I’m not going to want to be switching up into high-intensity positions.
JS: Exactly. Avoid short spurts of vigorous…um…banging with little breaks in between, because that basically mimics interval training where you give max effort, recover just enough, and then deliver max effort again, and so on. That is going to give you the toughest workout, which you are obviously not into.
LB: Not even a little bit! Any thoughts on the sex Kalorie Kalculator we discussed? Is that an actual thing?
JS: I can’t really speak on that, but I will say this: If you’re focused on how many calories you are burning you’re doing it wrong.
LB: THANK YOU for saying that. I wholeheartedly agree.
With that in mind, I decided to get Jamie’s opinion on some super-lazy sex positions.
THE LAZY GIRL’S PLAYBOOK
*For When You Literally Can’t Even*
**But Still Want To**
The Missionary Position
LB: I’d say this is probably the least lazy of the lazy-girl moves. Like the highest point of a very low bar. While you’re not doing much, even if you’re on the bottom, you’re still technically doing something. Like propping yourself on your elbows and thrusting into it.
JS: Exactly. You definitely aren’t going to get your heart rate up. There is still some effort expenditure, but it’s not significant. You can pull this off while overtired or moderately hungover.
Laziness Rating: Watching three consecutive shows on Netflix without leaving bed.
The Starfish
LB: On a similar but even more lazy note, consider the starfish: where you just lie there, and he goes down on you indefinitely. The starfish can pertain to both intercourse and oral. At its essence, I would say the starfish involves no reciprocal movements on your end. No thrusting, no legs wrapped around his waist or neck, no hair-pulling. You’re just…you know… played out like a starfish. The most overrated sea creature of all.
JS: Yeah, as a trainer, I have no concerns about you accidentally getting a workout here. At all.
**Laziness Rating: Watching eight consecutive shows on Netflix without leaving bed.
The Vibrator
LB: This is the ultimate in terms of laziness and getting off, because you don’t have to do much, you’re pretty much guaranteed to come, and there’s no fighting over who has to sleep on the wet spot!
JS: Hmmm, I don’t know, I disagree. With the vibrator you have to move it around, so that is at least using some energy. In fact, I would actually argue that the Starfish is less energy-intensive because he is literally doing all the work. Since you don’t need your hands, technically you could be eating a sandwich or something, and go the opposite route, actually making up all the calories as you go.
LB: YES! OR Champagne! Why not both?
Laziness Rating: Watching nine consecutive shows on Netflix without leaving bed.
*Laziness Rating for The Starfish reconsidered: You watched the whole fucking season. Because snacks.