Ja'mie does London Fashion Week

Ja’mie King gives us the goss on like, everything quiche.

It may be the most wonderful time of the year, but with all of the questionable trends flying around, we don’t know whether to trust our instincts (mustard-yellow fur muff—yay or nay?) or enlist a harsher critic. 

Solution? If anyone would give us an honest review, we knew it would be potty-mouthed private school princess Ja’mie King of Summer Heights High fame. So in the spirit of London Fashion Week, we got everyone’s favorite hair-flipping, catchphrase-spewing mean girl to give us the runway goss—the good, the bogan, and the fugly.  

Editor's note: The Coveteur does not share or endorse the opinions of Ja'mie King.

PETER PILOTTO: There were these fuzzy purple turtlenecks that covered half the models’ faces that I think would be perfect for people with highly disgusting neck fat. I would also recommend this look to people with cystic acne, although I would make the fur cover the entire face like a Muppet balaclava. I'm going to buy one (or maybe two) of these for that boarder, Erin Walker.

MULBERRY: In unfair life news, Cara Delevingne now has her own handbag. But I can’t even remember what it looked like, because like as soon as she came out on that swing, all I could focus on was her box gap—you know, the three-finger space between her thighs? Anyways, the thing I like Cara is that she’s a total Hillford Girl even though she has man eyebrows. Seriously no offense, but it’s true. I also liked the dogs.

TOM FORD: I normally don’t commingle with the Goths or the emos—this show was a little too Addams Family for me. But I did enjoy ogling the skinniness of the models—very eating disorder-chic. Have I mentioned I’ve been modelling since I was two? I hooked up with a four-year-old on the set of an Osh Kosh B’Gosh catalogue; I've also been way mature for my age.

BURBERRY PRORSUM: Lots of dresses with slits up the sides that were kind of semi-slut, but still looked totally classy because of the, like, Eskimo coats they put on top. I would recommend this look to people with hot legs and fat arms. I can’t decide which was more hot-as—this dress or the majorly arousing spotting of Harry Styles. So. Quiche. 

MARY KATRANTZOU: There were these half-pleated, half-slutty skirts that I LOVED. It was like private-school uniform goes clubbing! I like super-tight skirts because you’re always pulling them down, which is proven to draw attention to your bum. Guys love that.

CHRISTOPHER KANEBoxy massive sweatshirts. Cody, my "GB" (gay best friend, duh) loved this collection. I wonder what Mitchell would think if I wore "Look 35" -- you know, that ja'mazing floral dress thing -- to my party next weekend? 

 J.W. ANDERSON: Are those origami straightjackets? I can totally see Mr. Hayes wearing on those things.  

ERDEM: Don’t remember it. I may have been scavenging around Kensington Gardens for a Coke Zero. Oh, except those Nicholas Kirkwood shoes; currently charging Mum's credit card. 

DOMINIC JONES: Two words: Nudie lookbook. I’m a huge advocate for hot straight people going naked on camera, so this really resonated with me and my moral compass. It’s just been like, you know, like a really really important issue for me since my Skype-tits debacle, so this lookbook was a really powerful metaphor for world equality. Plus you get to see Suki Waterhouse’s bum.  

PREEN: Literally had a seizure from all the bogan space-agey metallics. I’m now an epileptic. I may sue. And the stormtroopers? So random. But Kwami really loved it.

SIBLING: I liked the part when the model almost fell after getting her heels trapped in her povo-doily dress. Amaze.

TOPSHOP UNIQUE: Loved it. Ja’miezing. Like, there was fur everywhere. It was seriously a plushie convention. And Kendall Jenner totally rolled her eyes at me from the frow (front row, duh).

 — Chelsey Burnside