What Kind of Erewhon Shopper Are You?
Off-duty models, retired hippies, and Hailey Beiber evangelists–oh my!
I will freely admit that it takes me longer to pick out an outfit for Erewhon than it does for a first date. You need to look stylish yet effortless, casual but not sloppy, and have a natural beauty look that says, “Maybe she’s born with it, maybe she spends half her paycheck on Biologique Recherche serums.” At Ralph’s, I dress like an NPC from Grand Theft Auto, but at Erewhon, everyone is dressed like a protagonist five minutes away from a meet-cute. Yes, Erewhon epitomizes everything that people love to hate about LA–a place where “health” has become synonymous with vanity, where there isn’t any parking even at 1 p.m. on a Monday, a place where sexy jobless posers, celebrities, and sceney D-listers alike can break bread together (as long as it’s gluten-free, macrobiotic and $30 a loaf).
Angelenos love to make fun of Erewhon almost as much as we love CBD-infused artisanal sodas. If Los Angeles was a high school, Erewhon would be the cafeteria. As the Janis Ian to your Cady Heron, here is a breakdown of each type of Erewhon shopper, what they’re wearing, what they’re eating, and what’s in their cart.
Off-Duty Models
The 2023 off-duty model look is basically a uniform: ribbed white tank (no bra), low-rise baggy pants, and some form of gorpy sneaker. The look is almost always topped off with a distressed, vintage, or ironic baseball cap. Off-duty femmes will accessorize with a gold chain while the mascs often have a little beaded choker. They aren’t there to grocery shop, they’re usually traveling in pairs and sitting at the outdoor table grazing on a salad or soup from the food bar. To drink, they opt for that giant bottle of electrolyte-infused Essentia–all hot girls drink Essentia, trust me. If you’re eavesdropping they are usually talking about where you can find the best gay bars in Marseilles and who was annoying this summer.
Trust Fund Yuppies
The trust fund yuppy is the type who sets up shop outside and asks you to keep an eye on their rose gold MacBook Air every time they go to the bathroom. They always say they are freelance graphic designers or “writers,” but at Erewhon, we all know that’s code for trust fund kid. In terms of outfits, they fall under two categories: athleisure with a full face of makeup or a quirky-colored jumpsuit with a pair of glasses. For lunch, they usually opt for a $20 pre-made sushi roll, and their outdoor “workstation” is littered with the husks of an afternoon’s worth of beverages. One coffee cup, a glass bottle with the dregs of a green juice, and some type of adaptogen-rich soda in a twee, Instagrammable can.
Crunchy Middle-Aged Men
God bless the stay-at-home dads, retired hippies, and health-nut oldies that roam the aisles of Erewhon. They are the only people trying to muscle a shopping cart through the unbearably snug aisles because, unlike everyone else just stopping in for a see-and-be-seen midday snack, these fuckers are grocery shopping. They have a hand-written list, reading glasses, and a cart full of artisanal small-batch granola, alternative milk ice cream, and organic chicken apple sausages. He’s wearing clothes that look like yoga studio merch or the clothing aisle of Whole Foods–linen pants, Birkenstocks, and a zip-up hoodie with the logo of what you assume is some ecologically conscious start-up. While looks can be deceiving, I have a feeling these oldies have tech money, because they’re the only ones buying produce at Erewhon. (It’s marked up so high, it should be a crime.)
Post-Workout Athleisure Girlies
Alo microinfluencers really come alive in the smoothie line. When I say post-workout, I only mean workouts where you still look pretty right after, like, pilates, low-impact yoga, or an “urban hike;” the type of workout where you’re wearing a full face of foundation for some reason. These girlies follow every TikTok trend they come across and worship at the altar of Hailey Bieber. You’ll find them next to the smoothie bar, manicures clicking away at their phones, tapping their Salomons impatiently as they wait for their Strawberry Glaze Skin Smoothie.
Celebrities
Celebrity sightings are really the rare birds of the lunchtime rush; they typically dart in and out faster than you can clock them under the ball cap and sunglasses. They’re probably only at Erewhon because their personal assistant called in sick, but those premade Wild Salmon Salads and Lypo-Spheric Vitamin C supplements aren’t going to buy themselves. It’s very rare you will see an A-lister but be prepared to clock at least one indie actor, three Instagram-famous models, and a handful of illustrious podcasters.
Boyfriends
Oh the sweet, sweet boyfriends of Erewhon—what beautiful fools. They’re usually in sweatpants and Adidas slides trotting behind their post-workout athleisure-wearing girlfriends saying things like, “Babe, that smoothie is eighteen dollars!” They find the whole errand confusing and frivolous because they claim there is “no real food here,” and they mostly just mindlessly pick up products and ask, “Babe, what is this?” Unlike changing rooms at the mall, there are no “boyfriend chairs” for them, so they ultimately end up waiting in the car or outside with the tied-up dogs.