It’s an art and our resident sex columnist is an artist.
Dirty talk is a strange animal. To borrow a line from Goldilocks, when it is good, it is very very good, but when it is bad, it is HORRID. Just consider, for a moment, an informal survey of some friends who came up with the following gems:
You should major in this! (Said to one lovely lady by her ex, while she was going down on him.) Do you want some big German bratwurst? (I’ll let you guess what country that happened in.) This is so… special. This is so, so special! (“He whispered that the entire time he was inside me,” says my friend, visibly shuddering.) I’m old enough to be your dad. (“And indeed… that was accurate.”) I AM THE CAPTAIN NOW! (“He screamed that just before cumming like a freight train.”) I want to bury my cock in your tuna graveyard. (“Yup. Tuna. Graveyard. That happened.”) And finally, the winner: “I’m not sure exactly how he phrased it,” she says. “But the gist was that my pubic hair reminded him of Hitler’s Moustache.”
Team consensus? The struggle is way too real.
So what should you do?
So now that we’ve got the DO NOT WANTs out of the way, let’s get to the DOs!
I am no expert here, so I decided to bring in some backup. Luckily, I knew right where to look, and reached out to adult-film-phenom Miss Poppy Cox. Her credentials? Basically, she’s a sex goddess with some major dirty talk improvisation skills. Want proof? Her starring role in the outrageously sexy flick A Talk Too Dirty should give you all the evidence you need.
Here are some of her thoughts.
ON THE BASICS:
A few choice strategies…
The Gospel of Savage
“Some people assume dirty talk means, you know, you wind up getting called a whore or something degrading. Which, mind you, is fine if you’re into that. But that’s not all there is. It can be much more. I’m a big fan of [sex columnist/hero] Dan Savage’s advice, which is super simple: describe what you’re going to do, describe what you are doing, and describe what you just did. I think people think it’s more complicated, but it really can be that simple. Once you feel comfortable, you can take it from there.” Sounds simple, and it is! It can also feel super awkward at first, but don’t fret. To get you started, we tested the strategy on something a bit more PG than sex: washing dirty dishes. (In the process, I’m pretty sure I found a way to both be completely embarrassing AND get around your office computer firewall! #winning.)
WASHING THE DISHES
DESCRIBE WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO DO:
· Look at your dirty dishes, they are just filthy!
· They need to be washed so badly.
· Do you want me to wash your dishes?
· I am going to soap these up and scrub these so well.
· I cannot wait to get these dishes all nice and clean.
DESCRIBE WHAT YOU’RE DOING
· I love having this big dish in my hand…
· Look how wet your dishes are getting.
· I’m scrubbing so. fucking. hard. right now!
· Do you like how I scrub this big dirty plate?
· I love getting your dishes all clean…
DESCRIBE WHAT YOU JUST DID
· Babe… I FUCKING LOVED WASHING THOSE DISHES!!!
· Honestly, I had been thinking about washing that plate all day…
· Did you like watching me while I got that plate all soapy?
· That was the dirtiest dish I have ever seen…
· Remember when we washed dishes all night?
I was always taught that if you want something, you should ask for it nicely. However, when it comes to the bedroom, this rule absolutely does not apply. When it comes to actual sexual satisfaction, dirty talk is a great way of vocalizing what you want, and providing direction, without making things awkward or overtly instructional. “That is a huge upside. It’s a great way to discover new things that turn [your partner] on. And to teach them what works for you.”
Straight Up Compliments
“Dirty talk can honestly be just an opportunity to be really nice to your partner. To tell them all the things you are into.” Everyone likes it when their partner compliments a new haircut, right? Now apply that to their naked body. See? Being nice can be fun! Compliment his dick! Tell him when he does something you love! Tell them how sexy they look in a certain position. Sing the praises of that magical tongue. And if no one has ever made you come that hard before, I definitely suggest you share that information.
P.S. Yes… I realize including “Be Nice” makes this the most uber-Canadian dirty-talk article ever written. Mounties! Alert the Prime Minister!
If there is a flip side to paying your partner compliments, it's probably calling them your filthy slave whore. Yup. Welcome to Fetishland, y’all! At this point, Poppy notes that some pre-bedroom discussion is practically essential. “When you are dirty talking as part of a knee jerk fetish, that is something you will definitely want to discuss beforehand. If you have a very specific fetish you want to explore, you probably need to warn them beforehand.” In addition, I suggest you also set up road signs, giant flags and perhaps mark the territory with flares.
What To Do If Things Get Weird
There is always a slight risk that someone will go too far or say something completely awkward. (This happens a lot in my own life… primarily because of who I am as a person. #iamanelegantlady) So how does Poppy handle such roadblocks? “Honestly, it takes a lot to offend me! But I have had partners throw me off. My reaction is more like …Wow, that’s an interesting thing about your personality that I didn’t know twenty minutes ago, when we were talking about art over wine!” Worst-case scenario? “The sex ends abruptly and awkwardly. But that can happen at any time… for a so many reasons!” So take it in stride. The more likely scenario? “You might find things you didn’t even know you were into.”
Obviously, when you get down to it, you won’t be talking about dishes and spoons. So where does that leave you? Well for starters: this is The Coveteur. I’m not going to give you a rundown of every single dirty word I know. (I reserve that game for more appropriate situations, such as family reunions or black tie weddings.) Instead, I asked Poppy for her take on things. “When it comes to the words you use, the worst thing you can do is use words you aren’t comfortable with.” That said, Poppy also finds using taboo language can really heighten the erotic experience. “My favorite word in the world to use is c*nt. I just love it! If you’re not comfortable with that, and obviously many people aren’t, just use the words that are sexy to you.”
“Will my partner think I’m acting slutty?”
I hate that I need to address this in the first place, but I know it comes up. So fiiiine… I’ll take the bait. First of all, that word is non-starter, so go ahead and erase it from your brain. Getting what you want sexually and exploring different parts of your sexuality is NOT a bad thing. In fact, I think it’s essential to any relationship. But you knew that already, didn’t you?
If you’re down to give dirty talk a try, but are worried about ruffling your partner’s Ralph Lauren croc-embossed feathers by raising ‘slut’ concerns, Poppy has some words for you. First: “You’re probably imaging an issue that doesn’t exist! Most people are far more into this kind of thing than you would expect.” And if the issue is of the unicorn variety? Then you’ve just helped filter out some non-sex-positive apples from your dating pool. And good riddance. As Poppy notes, “If you were told that good girls shouldn’t do that… let me just say, that’s bullshit. If a dude gets mad at you for initiating sex, or for asking what you want, you shouldn’t be with him anyways. So dirty talk is also a really good filter in a way!”
PREACH!!! If they can’t handle the heat, you should probably kick them the fuck out of your kitchen. They can take their dirty dishes with them, too.