In elementary school, we sang a song that went, “Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver, and the other’s gold.” I always found it a strange message to rank your friendships like an Olympian judge, but now that I’m all grown up and trying to figure out how to monetarily evaluate my friendships before the Holiday season, it’s proving to be a useful rubric.
In my early 20s, we could all get away with saying, “Sorry, I’m broke,” and giving your friend a regifted box of See’s candies from your stepdad. Ten years later, with “big kid jobs,” we’re all out of excuses. So how much am I expected to spend on my sister’s new boyfriend who’s joining us this year? What about my dad’s most recent ex-wife? And dear lord, don’t tell me we’re doing ‘Secret Snowflakes’ again at work—how the hell am I supposed to know what Randy from accounting wants for Christmas?
This holiday season, we’re here to help. I am offering a concise rubric of tiered closeness with corresponding price points and suggestions of gifts that fit the bill. The prices listed are based on the average income of a 30-something living in LA or NY with some silly marketing job. If you’re a trust fund kid, double it. If you qualify as a 1-percenter, triple it (if you’re on the naughty list, I’ll send an orca after your yacht).
Gold Level Friendship
Price range: $100+
The top tier of gifting is reserved for your true inner circle. This means different things to different people. For some, it’s family; for others–chosen family, serious romantic partners, or decades-long friendships. You feel comfortable splurging on these 1-3 people in your life because you know they will splurge equally on you in return. They are your ride-or-dies. Your emergency contact. Your three best friends bonded by a magical pair of jeans.
There are strict rules that qualify a person to be in the top tier of gifting:
- You talk to them every day
- You say “I love you” reflexively
- You actually know their cell phone number
- If T-mobile top 5 was still a thing, they would be in it
- You know the password to their phone, and they know yours
- You know their middle name, favorite color, and SAT score
- You have their entire astrological chart memorized
Gifting recommendations: I don’t need to give you ideas because you have a running list in your notes app where you’ve written down anything they’ve mentioned wanting in the last year. If you don’t have this list in your notes app, see the following levels.
Silver Level
Price range: $40–$100
Outside of your sisterhood-of-the-traveling-pants level friendships, the Silver Level is reserved for close friends, family (you actually talk to), and any figure who has been a consistent and meaningful part of your life. If you were getting married, all these people would be shoe-ins on the guest list.
What is required to qualify for Silver Level friendship:
- You talk (text or call) at least once a week
- You celebrate each other’s birthdays together
- They’ve seen you cry or throw up at least once
- You know their parent’s names
- They’re in at least one of your group chats
- If it is a romantic partner, you’ve celebrated a first anniversary
Gift recommendations: Top shelf bottle of wine or liquor, elevated home goods (donabe pot, nice tea kettle, new espresso maker, etc.), a NICE ASS candle (Diptyque, Byredo, Flamingo Estate), a really nice bottle of olive oil, artisanal wood kitchen accessories, elevated or personalized gift card to a boutique they love (help donate a chunk to a more expensive thing they’ve been wanting), a Taschen art book from their favorite artist, an expensive cookbook, or art and design coffee table books.
Bronze Level
Price range: $20–$40
Bronze level encompasses the most varied range of people in your life. This could include anyone from an old childhood friend you see twice a year to a new friend you made six months ago. This level is for the coworker you’re actually friends with or the neighbor who fed your cat for two weeks. Bronze level says, “I know I don’t have to get you a present, but I want to show you that I care.”
These are the people in your life that would qualify for the Bronze Level:
- Your favorite teacher or professor
- The neighbor that has done you three-to-five favors in the last year
- Randomly chummy friendship with your local _______ (hairdresser, restaurant owner, librarian, therapist, mailman, waxer, piano teacher, etc.)
- Your mentor
- The cousins you actually like
- A newly cemented relationship
- A client, networking connection, or crush you are trying to seduce
Gift Recommendations: bottle of wine, two nice wine glasses, cute self-care beauty products, useful yet well-designed home goods (non-scented candles, candle holders, kitchenware), a thoughtful gift card (something they mentioned wanting ie. a specific brand or store, an experience, etc.), a thoughtful book (with a note inside), a nice thermos or water bottle.
Participation Trophy
Price range: $20 or less
Participation trophy level is anyone who elicits the reaction, “Oh fuck, I need to get them something this year.” You’re pissed you have to spend any money on these people, but it’s the obligatory thing to do.
These are the people in your life that would qualify for the Participation Trophy Level:
- The cousins you hate
- An office “Secret Snowflake”
- A White Elephant party
- Your mom’s new boyfriend
- Your dad’s wife’s teenage son
- The employee you were Slacking passive aggressively last week
Gift recommendations: Nice wine stopper, a silly mug, a kitschy bottle opener, a key chain, a magnet, a box of chocolates, a silly deck of cards, face sheet masks, weed gummies, bar cart accessories, an eye mask, a baseball cap, a Starbucks or Amazon gift card, a homemade baked good, a silly ass apron, socks, a calendar from the mall.
