That Time I Went To A Blowjob Class
Love And Sex

That Time I Went To A Blowjob Class

Our resident sex columnist goes back to school.

Welcome to The Coveteur’s series about sex and dating, brought to you with the expertise and humor of our friend Lindsay, of the laughably addictive Tumblr, Tinder in Brooklyn. In her own very DGAF way, she’ll be breaking down the good, the bad and the downright bizarre that is, well, dating in the time of Tinder (and all that other shit we Gen X, Y and Z-ers have to deal with). Check back often, because you know there’s lots to discuss.

I’d like to start this piece off with a bit off a ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ quiz. Pay attention, and choose wisely!

1. If you are related to me: I did this for journalism. Stop reading now.

2. If you are an ex-bf of mine: Congrats on the engagement(s)! Stop reading

3. If you go to my law school: WTF, who gave you this link? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP READING NOW.

Still with me? Excellent. Let’s do this!


#WISDOM

Oprah has always taught me to be my ‘best self,’ which is why, last Sunday, I spent my evening attending a blowjob workshop. Because I am a seeker of #wisdom, bitches! Babeland, a female-friendly (and female-owned) chain of sex shops that promotes the joy of sex and sexual exploration, has a class called The Art of The Blow Job. What was on the syllabus? You guessed it: improving your blowjob game. (Spoiler alert: I’m pretty sure I fucking did.)

While Babeland hosts a variety of sex workshops, I signed up for the beej-lesson for a few reasons: First of all, I’ve been writing about the female orgasm a LOT lately, so I figured it was time to switch gears. Second, Babeland made me quite the sales pitch: “Learn how to give great head! We’ll tell you how to find the sweet spots, discuss never-fail oral sex tips and hand/tongue techniques, and demonstrate the perfect toys to blow your partner’s mind.” Well, hot damn. Challenge accepted. 

 


HERE'S, UM, WHAT WENT DOWN


 

If you have read this column before, you should be well aware of the fact that I am NOT an expert when it comes to sex. (I just spend my spare time interviewing people who are.) As a result, I go into every assignment expecting to learn something new, and every single time, that’s exactly what happens. When it came to this seminar, however, I was not necessarily convinced I was, um, going to learn a lot of new information.

I mean, blow jobs are straight forward, right? I’ll just go so I can write the article…

Oh yes, I'll admit it: I was absolutely fucking smug. I walked into Babeland with the misplaced overconfidence of Iggy Azalea trying to headline a stadium tour — I totally thought I had the bases covered! As it turns out, that wasn’t exactly the case. (This will come as a shock to absolutely fucking no one, but apparently, I’m not as smart as I thought I was.) The bottom line is that I still had a few things to learn, and chances are, you probably do, too. Get out your notebooks. It’s time to get schooled.

BLOW JOB CLASS IS IN SESSION

When I showed up to class (late, obviously) at Babeland’s Bergen Street location, I was surprised to find that the space absolutely packed with students, both male and female. Off the bat, I took that as a good sign. I shuffled through the crowd, found a chair, and took a seat. As I to got settled, I was handed three things: a glass of prosecco, a condom and a banana. Yup. A banana. We all know where this is going, don’t we, folks? I said a little thank you to the universe and pulled out my pencil case. Class was about to begin.

MEET THE MASTERS

Surround yourself only with people who are going to take you higher,” says Oprah. Well consider that box checked. Two instructor-cum-goddesses led the Art of the Blow Job seminar, and it’s safe to say that they took us all higher with their blowjob wisdom. Both women are absolute babes, both have amazing hair, and both somehow managed to remain impossibly chill whilst sucking on dildos in front of a live audience. (#skills)

As they each introduced themselves, I knew I was in good hands: "I really love teaching this workshop because I LOVE sucking cock.” Yup. Shit got real, real fast. I clutched my pearls (and my trusty penis-banana) and buckled up.

 

THE WARM UP

After the introductions, our instructor decided we needed to loosen up. As an icebreaker, she had us stand up and to yell dirty words back at her, at the top of our lungs. “PUSSY! COCK! FRENULUM! TITS! BUTTHOLE.”

Honestly, I was more comfortable with this than most (probably because that’s like, standard dinner party conversation for me…), but by the end of the exercise, the whole class seamed to be on the same page. Which clearly, was part of the plan. “We do that for two reasons. First, I just got you to say butthole and that’s hilarious. Second, it’s important that you laugh! Sex is funny and weird… your bodies are slapping up against either other, you’re both getting messy, you can’t take this too seriously.” Ain’t that the truth.

After making the class scream ‘PENIS!’ a few more time, our instructors decided we were ready to go over specific moves. Some tips were random, some tips were cool, and some tips involved sex toys I definitely can’t afford. But here’s the best part: NONE of the tips involved women's magazine-style tickling-the-penis-with-a-feather-while-drinking-hot-sauce-and-simultaneously-freezing-his-balls-with-an-ice-cube style fuckery. NOT A SINGLE ONE! THANK YOU JESUS! I am happy to report that, overall, the tips were fun and (with a few exceptions) fundamentally non-ridiculous.

The teaching methods were impressive, too.

The instructors took turns demonstrating each move on dildos, and then—just to make sure we were actually paying attention—they had the class repeat each and every move using their bananas. SO yes. That happened. I absolutely did mouth-fuck a long yellow fruit for WELL over an hour last weekend. And yes, I’m sure that will totally come up on my Character & Fitness Exam when I try to pass the Bar. But you know what, fuckers? I did it for YOU. Want to give better head? I highly recommend that you attend a Babeland workshop yourself. But if you can’t (or are simply too much of a chicken-shit) you don’t need to worry. I’ve done the dirty work for you.

Here are some key lessons from the Babeland experts (and bonus tips from Oprah, because sometimes that felt right… just trust me).

 


 THE RUNDOWN ON GOING DOWN


 
THERE IS NO SECRET

“A lot of people come in here looking for a ‘THE SECRET’ to giving good head. There isn’t one. What works for one person might not work for someone else. There are a lot of tips and trick we will show you, but not everything is going to work on everyone’s body.” Which brings us to our next tip…

 

COMMUNICATION IS KEY

If you take one thing away from this article, please let it be this: You need to ask for directions and feedback! Try this out: HARDER? BETTER? FASTER? STRONGER? Kanye West probably has no idea, but he inadvertently came up with a good checklist here. “Ask the cock-owner what is working, what’s not, and find a balance that works for the both of you." There is no magic trick; every partner will like something different, so consider the suggestions that follow as options to play around with.

[Bonus Wisdom: “If you are still breathing, you have a second chance.” —Oprah Winfrey]

ENTHUSIAM!

“If you are excited about having a cock in your mouth, the owner of the cock with be excited about it too!” These women are WISE, y’all. Enthusiasm is important as hell because the bottom line is, sex (blowjobs included) is supposed to be fun. If you’re not enjoying yourself, your partner won’t either. And also—if you’re not enjoying the fuck out of this, what are you doing down there, anyway?

[Bonus Wisdom: "I really believe when you give to other people, you give to yourself." —Oprah Winfrey]

 

USE LUBE

Lube is the best, so USE IT! Once you try it, you will understand why. Since you will probably be incorporating hand moves here (more on that shortly), this is especially important. Nobody likes a dry hand job, ladies. NOBODY.

 

VARIETY IS THE SPICE OF BEEJ

“A good blow job incorporates hand and mouth moves." Our instructors then proceeded to provide the class with a helpful list of Babeland-endorsed hand and mouth moves to consider. Scroll down for summarized version.
(P.S You’re welcome.)

[Bonus Wisdom: “Be more splendid, more extraordinary!” —Oprah Winfrey]

 

THE ‘BABELAND BLOWJOB’ MENU

*Authors note: I did NOT make up these moves. Or name them…

1.

TONGUE MOVES

“There are SO many awesome things you can do without the whole cock in your
mouth." So switch it up. Here are some of her suggestions:

THE HAPPY TRAIL: “Use a long flat broad tongue to lick up and down the
shaft of his penis. Lots of coverage here = lots of stimulation. Move your
tongue all the way up the raphe [the vein going up the length of the dick on
the underside].” Repeat until his brain, or something else…. explodes.

THE POINTY TONGUE: Use a pointy tongue to stimulate the frenulum [the
ridge underneath the head of the cock—this is the most sensitive part of the penis.

THE SLAP HAPPY: “This is a fun way to give your jaw a rest, and your partner
the show of his life. It’s super porny and wickedly hot. You just
stick out your tongue, and slap the dick on your tongue repeatedly. This is
also a really good opportunity for eye contact.” Lights on for this one, my

* DON’T FORGET THE BALLS

2.

HAND MOVES

 

“Some people think using your hands for a blow job is cheating. But that’s just not the case. The more stimulation on the cock, the better.” Here are some of her choice grips.

SHAKING THE HAND: “This move is all about changing up the grip. Instead of the traditional hold [with your palm facing his body], have you palm face away. So if the penis is in front of you, you’re grabbing it like you are shaking a hand. This is a great warm up. Fist over the top to the base of the penis, grip, and then glide to the tip.” Why the name? “Your grip is like you’re going in to shake the cock like a hand.” I’ll allow it.

PUMP UP THE JAM: “Place one or both hands around the cock, moving up and down the shaft. When you reach the top of the shaft, cover the head completely. So your thumb and forefinger close at the head and open as you go down. This really is THE classic jerk off.”

I’ll give you all moment to reminisce about your high-school formals before we proceed. Ready? Let’s continue!

DO THE TWIST: Same as above, but instead of going straight up and down, using a twisting motion with your hands. Again, LUBE IS KEY HERE, PEOPLE.

WATERFALLS: “Use hand-over-hand here, so you never lose contact with the penis. You can wrap your fingers around the head as you move up and down the cock, so you’re really engaging the frenulum.”

DON’T FORGET ABOUT THE BALLS! Tickle them, tug on them, and ask for feedback.

3.

THE NEXT LEVEL

In no particular order, here are some moves that REALLY got my attention:

THE HUMAN COCK RING: For those of you who don’t know what a cock ring does, two things: 1) you need to read this fucking column more, 2) it is basically is a tight ring that, when wrapped around the balls, delays ejaculation. Anyway! With this move, you create a cock ring using your hand, pulling the skin down the dick and creating a ring around balls. Then play with the shaft however you like using your mouth. Fun shit, right? Frankly, I think I got my moneys worth out of the seminar with this tip alone. A+ Babeland!

THE NUVEAUX 69: This one is for the ladies who are lucky enough to own a We-Vibe The We-Vibe is a couple’s vibrator that can be operated by a remote control. Though it is designed to enhance vaginal sex (stimulating both the penis and the vagina at the same time), our instructors suggest incorporating the vibrator into your blowjobs as well. Hand your partner the remote, and let him control the vibrations while YOU take control of his cock. Fun for everyone! The best part? Nobody needs to assume the dreaded plank position.

THE HUMMER: When the instructors first mentioned this move, I assumed it was going to involve eating ass. But nope! They meant actual humming. On a dick. I know. Personally, I think this move is a bit random and overly Cosmo. That said, apparently humming vibrations make a dick feel really fucking good. Like really good. So feel free to give this a try; bonus points if you pull this off without laughing.

THE APPLE BOBBER: “Use your head to rotate your mouth around the head while you go up and down with the shaft using your hands. Complete coverage—you are getting the whole head and length of the cock in one motion.”

THE HEADBANGER: “I refer to this as the ‘fucking-my-face move'. Get on your knees, put your hands on his hips, and pull him in and out of your mouth. So you get the face-fuck fun, but you are entirely in control.” Brilliant.

Babeland Blowjob Menu adapted from Moregasm: Babeland's Guide to Mind-Blowing Sex.

You’re Welcome, Bitches!

- Lindsay, Tinder In Brooklyn

More From the series Love And Sex
You May Also Like