
Date #1
Office Supply Levels of Toilet Paper
661 Imperial Street Los Angeles
tip: Go for some jazz and order a cheese plate to take out to the patio.
NO PINEAPPLE EMOJI THO. That shit is basic and inappropriate. She’ll show up and you’ll casually be sipping wine from Radish's shop, and have this dope cheese board laid out, while looking turbo laissez faire in your most Gucci cardigan. Literally Gucci if you got it like that, but NO LOAFERS YOU CREEP. The Radish has live jazz certain nights so you can Google that shit. From there go see a movie. $7 Tuesdays are the move. Women like savvy guys—NOT CHEAP, savvy. Let them know about that $7 steal so they can start imagining a life where you go to Costco on weekends and buy office supply levels of toilet paper and diapers for the baby you probably didn’t realize you were going to have in 3-5 years, BUT NO LATER THAN 31 YEARS OLD. Now head back over to the uber chic Bar Mateo. It’s in the back of Zinc and is a super vibey hidden spot.
Urban Radish
661 IMPERIAL STREET, LOS ANGELES
tip: Go for some jazz and order a cheese plate to take out to the patio.
Regal Cinemas
1000 WEST OLYMPIC BLVD, LOS ANGELES
tip: $7 Tuesdays. Any movie, any time.
Bar Mateo
580 MATEO STREET, LOS ANGELES
tip: Pretty much a speakeasy, but less annoying.
Date #2
Not All Shipwrecks End in Treats
240 N Larchmont Blvd Los Angeles
tip: Sample everything. They encourage you literally try everything. I have no advice for you here. Prepare for a life changing experience.
Otherwise, this is the most next level crystal shop—NEVER DOUBT MY KNOWLEDGE, I’VE BEEN TO ALL OF THEM, where you can get some citrine to destroy your obstacles and make monayyyy. Afterwards, head over to Nite + Market Song. But LEAVE YOUR CAR. YOU WILL NOT FIND PARKING and there’s no valet. UBEZIES. Go have some of the best Thai in LA and order the off-menu fried chicken sandwich. Lastly, you’re going to head over to the Normandie Club. This shit just opened, which is always good for impressing because you’ll seem like you might actually be in the know. The perfect ending to this date is to go super classic and get some ice cream. But not just any ice cream: Salt & Straw. It’s the some of best ice cream you will ever have, so even if your date was a complete and utter shipwreck you STILL got some dope treats.
Bar Stella
3932 W SUNSET BLVD., LOS ANGELES
tip: Go early. Like I said, it gets packed later in the night.
Spellbound Sky
1033 MYRA AVE., LOS ANGELES
tip: Stay after mediation and talk to the owners. Their crystal knowledge is wild and their outlook on life is even better.
tip: Meditation is Wednesdays only, but call ahead to confirm. Also get there early, it actually fills up.
tip: Buy some crystals.
tip: The owners Mark and Martin are super next level. Seriously: talk to them about something.
Night + Market Song
9041 SUNSET BLVD., LOS ANGELES
tip: The haters will say Jitlada is the best Thai, so don’t think home boy doesn’t know about that ish. Night Market is where it’s at.
tip: Off-menu fried chicken sandwich.
The Normandie Club
3612 WEST 6TH ST., LOS ANGELES
tip: Chill. Go now before everyone finds out and infiltrate.
Salt & Straw
240 N LARCHMONT BLVD., LOS ANGELES
tip: Sample everything. They encourage you to literally try everything. I have no advice for you here. Prepare for a life-changing experience.
Date #3
Blowing Everyone Away with Extreme Subtly
8509 Melrose Ave Los Angeles
tip: cold brew is on tap which is cool.
Walk over to Melrose Place and ask if she’s ever been to Violet Grey. I’m a guy. I don’t care about makeup at all. But I GO into Violet Grey because it’s so next level I just want a part of that life. Then hit APC and cop the most subtle and plain sweatshirt so you can subtly stunt on the plebeians around you. Now get a cocktail at Redbird. Wear your trendiest shit—I’m a sneaker guy, but wouldn't be mad at some Chelsea boots and maybe that freshly copped sweatshirt. YEEZY SEASON. It’s a trendy place that will trendily evaluate what you're wearing before they trendily stall as long as possible before seating you. It’s worth it as the space is beautiful.
Now that you’re date is wondering when she might get some fucking dinner, a.k.a. the reason she’s on this date at all, you take her to Ramen Champ. NOTHING IS MORE WINTERY THAN SOUP. It’s in a shopping plaza in Chinatown, which is perfect. The more sus a date can be the better. SUS=AUTHENTIC bc #NewParis. After Ramen Champ drive up to Mulholland and check out the Hollywood Bowl lookout. Late at night on the weekdays there will most likely be no one there. It looks like the intro to the Hills and you can really get inspired to do something great with this view. Maybe like waking up and going to work tomorrow. I don’t know do you. Gonna let you live.
Alfred Coffee {In The Alley}
8509 MELROSE AVE., LOS ANGELES
tip: Cold brew is on tap which is cool.
Violet Grey
8452 MELROSE PLACE, LOS ANGELES
tip: The staff is knowledgeable.
tip: Check out the back room where you can get your makeup done. Some cool stuff in there.
A.P.C.
8420 MELROSE PLACE, LOS ANGELES
tip: Browse.
Ramen Champ
727 NORTH BROADWAY, LOS ANGELES
tip: From the Eggslut Guys.
tip: Be ready because you place your order outside. This might feel weird to you but it’s FUCKING EVERYTHING. It’s like thinking about what you’re going to wear while you’re in the shower and when you get out everything is already laid out, and STEAMED. NO WRINKLES FOR MILES.
Hollywood Bowl Lookout
7036 MULHOLLAND DRIVE, LOS ANGELES
tip: It’s closed at night so you’ll have to park on the dirt curb and step over a tiny fence. Very worth it.